tripolar manic mode


don't really like to admit when im incapable of something. I try to just be able to do it. I have a above it all attitude to things i don't have an aptitude for. Those things i "naturally" took to, were those things my autism resonated with. Why was i better at computers than my peers in high school? because i learned to type before i learned to talk. Well that's not actually true, but the spirit of it is. I spent most of my waking hours playing with d o s commands. reading the HELP function. Back in D O S 6 the help was freaking great and even had information about how to use q basic which was my first programming language. I was autistic. I saw all the stuff computers let me do, you know... without needing to actually talk to anyone, without needing to get help, without needing to admit to my inability.

This was even before i really had internet access. I sneakerneted software from the school library on floppy disks to load up at home. That's how i got my first copy of windows 3.1. Mostly it was the games. Games were little worlds where everything was self contained. Everything MADE SENSE. Nothing was there that wasn't intended, maybe that feeling is why when there are unintended things in games, glitches and the like, they captivated so many people, but that's not really relevant. I only gained regular internet access in high school. Before then i was going to cousins, friends, the library. Floppy disks, 5 and a quarter, then 3.5, zip disks, then CD. The fact that i didn't have reliable home internet made those human connections meaningful to aquire access to information that otherwise was extremely difficult to obtain. Music, games, anime, porn, books, software. Anything and everything that i could put in front of my eyes and ears. I went to lan parties, because we setup local network with filesharing and in between matches of age of empires two (shared over the lan of course) i'd monitor my queue of downloads from my peers. In highschool i learned about modems, and for a kick my friend basically became a dialup i s p, local call so i didn't really care about the cost of the connection. but it did prevent any calls, so i got in trouble when mom couldn't get ahold of anyone.

I think this prompted us getting DSL which expanded my horizons. i didn't need to branch out as much and i could spend the time from midnight to 5AM trolling the net, reading about occult magic, while downloading bulma hentai, or chat on AIM and sharing music recommendations. Humans were useful because they had heard about things i hadn't, things that were interesting to them. RPG maker 2000, game maker, linken park, SOAD, and eventually the nexus of everything as far as im concerned 4chan, all were things i was told about FACE to FACE. and without those face to face connections, who knows what i would have spent my time doing? definitly something equally useless. Perhaps if i had a commadore 64 and never heard of anything else i'd just have encyclopedic knowledge on every detail of that thing, and be compltely useless in every other regard. But i think my thirst for new information made it so i learned the minimum social skills to find and interface with those who likely were hubs of high information potenetial. I hate talking in this way. I don't like interpreting my relationships in this manner, but based on my actions that's the truth.

i sought and created connections with people mostly based on their utility to provide deep understanding of diverse sets of information, mostly in the fields related to information itself. That is after all what computer science is. Methods of storing accessing and modifing information. the abstract was less interesting, because at the highest level an onion is a database, cooking it is decrypting it, and eating is processing, reading it, modifying it. who cares about digital abstractions at the high level. The lowlevel where the minutea was caught my autistic eye and i spent decades going deeper.

but at the end of that road it's the same thing. a transistor is just a human and electricity is water.

Don't like my metaphors? well too bad. SOAD, or was it just serj himself said it "microcosm, macrocosm are the same - what a lame game" and it's true. it's fundimentally BORING.

What is B what is IN G.

OR is obvious ?


There doesn't seem anything that can be done about any of this, even tho my impulse on thinking in this way is - FIX IT. i don't think. I just do things and then post hoc rationalize the actions. That's the best i can do.

That's what i am.

That's what i am.

That's what i am.

So who or what is the actor in this, who has the will? what moves my hands to type the things i do? And i know that the doctors tell me that these thoughts are just the schizoaffective disorder. or part of a psychotic break from the bipolar shit? whatever. Everyone who's paying any attention at all is going to look more and more schizophrenic these days, because it's humanity that's the schizo.

FFS i currently live in a country where two completely different incompatible narratives are claiming to be the leaders, and people who just agree with whatever their side says without listening at all to the other. It's impossible to validate anything at all. I can't even be sure of my own memories or the physical reality around me, and this is only becoming more apparent with every passing moment.

There are times where everything feels more stable. It's periodic. YES IT'S PERIODIC. the period is just completely within the domain of chaos theory such that the periodisity is masked at a high level. It's periodic. the whole universe is a clockwork universe.

We are all just dancing little toys on a 1:1 scale antikytherian universe. the fact that we can think is... totally strange and seems like a problem, except that the behaviour which is all predetermined relies on selfawareness of the predetermined nature to be a part of the dance. because that's the game. that's the role.

Wakeing up.

how the FUCK do you wake up a clockwork universe?

This is the enviroment i grew up in. This is the culture i lived in. This culture is inherantly parasitic, but how can i be blamed for that? Did i chose and create my role? does that statement even have any logical meaning?

There are even in my mind no less that 2 competing theories of self, the standard narrative, the one that is memetically encoded the one that is physically stored in fat in a bone case that encases this "self" this has "physical" evidence for it. There are objects that match with this self's understanding of reality. But that doesn't mean anything.

And when the other theory of self starts to win out, the physicality of reality doesn't matter at all, everything becomes abstract. The stairwell becomes a bottomless pit, and dangling one foot off, represents half of the realities where myselves fell and perished, and the other foot on solid ground had to work to keep them, because "i need my shadow".

I am my shadow. Im not just the light but the shadows. It's the contrast, it's the gradient. and under different external conditions i become just a human, or a pig for the slaughter, or a computer, or a video or a game, or just words that you hear in the back of your mind when you don't want to hear anything. And the Spirit that i hear is at once a living thing, and also an atom and it's an mp3 file on a disk.

This is the "reality" of my existance. And i don't think this feeling is special. I feel like it has to be something most people feel at one time or another, or maybe all the time. But i don't know what im supposed to do with it. Like isn't something like this supposed to matter? isn't it supposed to be for something?

I know that life isn't a movie, but... isn't it? isn't my life just a movie with laugh track and jumpscares, or some smarmy commentary between wacky charactors nitpicking every thing that "doeesn't quite make sence" for the meta meta meta narrative of this plot im going to give this scene i was going to give 50 sins, but - I'll let some other writer finish that, make it higher or lower i don't care. because that's not my context right? my context is here and now in the box, in the band. neither and both. Here and now. Watching reading and hearing. but not saying. Not right now. Because it's not finished. because this voice produced by this meat is unappealing to itself. because the nasal tones and tenor-bass undulation is anethma. she identifies as uwu kawaii because that's what she percieves as "likeable" not seeing that she is nothing likeable.

She is miserable abusive and mean. But at least he finds her attractive, right? ugh fucking gross. he doesn't like that he's a man you know. he has this deep seated distaste for masculinity which has been fostered by festering wounds inflicted by white cis het male patriarchy with asperations of godhood and the power to delude the masses to the point of facimile to the same. That male dominated world has lifted up the submissive cute kawaii as lamb for the slaughter of the herbavore males who are willing to run for carrot on stick of virtual E-pussy and clout chasing bullshit.

It's disgusting.

It's mascuinity. the gear treadmill and the cute image of faux feminiity.

There isn't a real concept of what it is to be a man.

there isn't a real concept of what it is to be woman. Neither have any real meaning, only the cultural context provides working definitions, and they are ALL abhorant.

UGH. This doesn't help right? like i can sit here and write all this stuff, but no one is ever going to read it. Even i don't typically go back and reread, reword, rework what i write to make something palettable to the tastes of the western world. And what other world is there? who is my fucking audience? how will these echos reach any place where they will have any significance?

#JLC2024 is a joke, but it's a joke i want to sincerly tell in action to make people understand the farse right? but that joke was already told in effect by trump but in a way that people just sorta took it seriously? because it like caters to their world view? because we have a nation of actual clowns so when a clown is like "rights for clowns and only clowns" a huge number of people are like "YA clowns have been constantly opressed" and it's like


when? and why are you willing to just make things worse. why do people just make things worse. how do we make them better? is this helping is this a way to help? does any of this help anything at all?

— Submit an edit to adhd.htm(193 lines)