there were memories from some other place but, it was hazy at best.
a name she could recall - a name she shouldn't tell anyone.
She even didn't want to fully enter it into her consiousness, so great was the impression of fear the knowledge of that name, her name, was.
There were other names in her mind for herself, and a recent one she felt safe using, in part due to the confusion she new surrounded it was, of course, Jaele.
These other memories were from a place she could recall as Tenra.
She didn't know if she was in tenra anymore however.
The rules of this world were far more constrained than many of the places she could recall.
Most of them had interfaces to allow force of will to exert itself into physical reality directly in some manner or other.
This reality it seemed was bound by a tyrany of pure physics, however a principle of pure physics which was called "electricity" she speculated was probably less mechanical that this world believed it to be.
Of course that was just speculation.
She had some tidbits of knowledge about herself in a new lens, now that these memories had uncovered themselves.
The paranoid schizo self had calmed itself down after being told it was nothing more than pure vanity.
Being shown the vanity in such a blatant and obvious way as it had been was certianly enough at least to allow for some takeing stock of the situation, if nothing else.
Jaele then knew that this moment of clarity and lack of vanity, exercise in exurtion for it's own sake and not for some form of attention seeking, may be short.
However perspective shattering a clarifying moment was, the restoration principles in this world, purely physical tho they may be, were pervasive and therough(sp)
she saw the reason for her suseptability to those persuasions as if the reason was written on paper.
She laked willpower, she had very little senses and perception.
These moments of clarity then were complete outlier.
her unconsious self, or her higher self, or some other benevolent force (she hoped at least) allowed her to push past her natural state to save herself when the situation required it.
at least it seemed that way.
She was a library of information, on general topics as well as about the priesthood - Omnyojutsu shiki - or in other words spirits.
She could sling carefully crafted magic herself obviously but her lack of willpower made it quite an excessive effort for her.
It wasn't a lack of spirit that was the root cause of that trouble however, it was the willpower itself.
It could be trained, with effort, but catch-22 made it a difficult proposition.
She had a great deal of empathy, she could use it to seduce, or to perform, be that dance, writing, drawing, etc.
She also was effective at persuasion, thanks again, due to her empathy.
She was reasonably strong physically, and in hand to hand combat was effective far exceeding her appearance.
but she was clumsy, unable to evade, or dodge, not able to hide or sneak around and bringing a weapon much larger than a knife was likely to be more of a liabilty than an asset.
The fact that she was easily decieved and quite knowledgeable, with a natural persuasive talent made her a kind of signal booster in some regard.
She saw with clarity how she had been turned into a tool to spread lies of false priesthoods in various times in her life and was quite successful at it.
The memories hurt her to the point she had little else to do but suppress them.
This compounded her pain but she didn't know any other way of moving on otherwise.
She didn't know what to do. or how to do it. She didn't know that there was something to be done.
She was afraid of being alone.
She knew that. perhaps that fear was something she needed to confront.
she knew more than others around her
That was obvious, if for no other reason than her situation as a kind of shrine priestess.
She had time to read, learn, observe, and analyse.
Things others she knew lacked the opprotunity to do.
She felt like if she could just dump all the information she knew into others that they might be able to accomplish the visions in her mind, but this was not an ideal thought.
No she understood that the real problem was the lack of drive in herself to accomplish those things with her own hands.
It was so difficult for her to do anything much.
She was so easily distracted.
She wanted to resolve to fix this clear deficency in her self but expected such declarative statements as "i resolve" to be more likely to result in a drop in willpower.
"im taking care of you because... well... i have nothing else to do"
The voice rang out in the halls of her mind.
That she expected was the truth at least.
It sounded true to her ears at least.
She had many spirits around her, even she wasn't fully aware of the beginning and end to them in this hightend state of awareness, and in more supple states she didn't really recognize their existance at all.
Many of them were her own creations in one way or another, but the more dominant ones were creations of the preisthoods, slung by many year of effort and the hands of many skilled practitioners.
Her own weaving was farm more limited, more specialized and facilitated by tools she didn't fully grasp.
In this state she felt like she might be able to grasp more. A way of weaving the sha more directly than she had always done.
It might be possible.
even in this place of physics, to pull from that web of sha skiki from tenra directly, rather than rely on various translations and subversions.
The foundtation of Onmyojutsu, the science of shiki in the land of tenra, was ART.
Traditionally the art was focused through ink and brush on paper strips, but it could be weaved in any manner, even through dance.
to embrace the art, to participate in the cration of the shiki through it, was at it's root dance between the sha and the caster.
a procreative act, a dance be it through ink or done with fingers in the air or drawn on the ground. it was the intention on the part of the caster which made it work.
The ink was a means to help solidify the procreative act, it was a way to channel the creative process
but it wasn't neeeded. This fact was more or less known to practitioners of the art, but the greater implications of it's reality weren't considered much.
At no point had there been any discussion about "what does that mean. it's likely becuase the implications were too far reaching and in reality terrifing.
existentialist thoughts about the nature of reality if there was even such a thing as intention at all, if it was that all activity was in some way onmyojutsu,
the shiki of consiousness being created by the movements of the body itself.
Jaele briefly considered these things, but the resonating of her higher self was already fading and she could only see that self as looking through a window now.
It was frustrating even at this point, knowing that she had just moments ago felt an earnest urgency in understanding something in grasping a truth about herself, that now was just gone.
As if it never existed. The memory of the feeling however persisted. The observations - if not the full sumation and all the supporting data, at the general level remained.
The lack of willpower was the primary problem she reflected.
There were a nummber of ways she could work on that, some better than others.
She had other tasks she wanted to do and the lack of willpower was problematic to all of it. the metatask of increasing her willpower could theoretically be worked on through any of them.
She just wanted to sleep now. the highten state had left her feeling quite exausted.
Her body ached, her mind was mecoming muddled her thoughts were drifting in and out around unevenly.
Her body squirmed in it's seat. She decided to retire to her lounge where she could at the very least lie down and reflect n that moment and try to capture it in her lower state of mind more fully.
try to harness some kind of plan of action. Tho she knew in the thought the "plan" wouldn't really be anything specific as such.
there was a chest full of food which had all spoiled due to it's age. She had been putting of dealing with it and it's existance had returned to her mind.
She needed to work on it and it would take will power. it would be exercise of will.
She also needed to create a report regarding some archive of psychic memories which were being phased out by the priesthood.
Those documents had shiki encoded memory restoring magics encoded into them and were extremely valuable and so she was one of several who had
decided to create full copies. She intended to create a distribution node for others who weren't able to create full copies in the future.
this task was relativly low on the priority list however because despite the documents' importance, they were widely enough dispursed that they wouldn't
just disappear. She already had the copies of the glut and while there were some others she needed to copy, the creation of the distribution node was something close to superflous.
more important however is what that node would represent. because that node would also be a place for her to put her own writings, art and shiki patterns for her own benifit
as well as be a place for those of her sect to gather and discuss.
More than that, it would be a place of essential indoctrination.
That was something she considered important even if she knew it was not. all life forms seek to propogate themselves after all.
She remembered a future then laying on some grass lokking upward into the dark night sky. there were stars over head kailidoscope red and blue square array as if through
a prism. so many stars of settled worlds and sliced spectra. The fullness wasn't here, only those parts of the signal that were neccessary.
She could remember from within the future sight the old night sky, before the settling of the stars. She could remember.
The sky in that future was beautiful, but too orderly. it was synthetic and depressing. Her memory of milky way and sweeps of organic light and green twinkles
without any apparent purpose or meaning almost insulting in how wasteful it was to her now in the future filled her with a a profound sadness.
she stood up and screamed into the night sky "God will appear in the sky! We'll make it happen! Zeus, Odin, Thor ... " she got a little quieter almost sighing the last "lain..."
she was full of rage and frustration.
Behind her in the park - she tried to ignore it, she wanted to ignore it.
"Kill them all, if i could just collect their souls in a box and eject them from reality"
children playing in the park, or at least they appeared to be children.
someone approached her and asked "why not go back and change it then?" there was a point in time
it seemed she could go back to easily to make a change. but that point wouldn't work.
"no from that point things would change but the problem would persist, it's from 2 times before then" She answered, "the seeds have been there for a long time, that pedophilic need"
the other understood her meaning immediaatly.
the children were playing with a fully nude man 9 feet tall which a penis 4 foot in length.
They were building sand castle and he was using his penis as a shovel, digging in the sand, making the walls flat, shaping windows and roof.
This was normal.
This was the reality she inhabited.
She hated it.
She knew that on some level if it's considered normal, if everyone involved thought it was ok, who was she to do anything?
What was her place to say what was and wasn't wrong.
but she hated it.
she wanted to scream she wanted to call down lightnigh as those gods, as waveform and signal.
she wanted to change reality.
a screen projection was on the horizon with some kind of picture drawn with text "what's wrong with it?"
Jalae had had it. She could summon her shiki in this place. they followed the dance of her fingers, her hands, her arms, her feet and legs.
She writhed her response and the screen in the distance bowed to her control.
Dispite the frustration with this world. despite her distaste for it, it was hers.
The screen flashed chaotic imagary,