On Identity

i have wanted to distance myself from my birth name for so long. It's never felt right to me, but neither does anything else. I use Jalae Lain Casaus because it connects back in part to my family history, while also linking to the universe of mind, and the life history i have lived. This is why i have put myself into that name. My birth name was never anything special to me. It was accident of birth. Kehnin Richard Dyer. I suppose it's a fine name. It's not like it's a tarnished name or something scary to see. It just feels wrong because i don't identify with it. I can identify with most of the things Kehnin has done. I can say "ya that was me" about it. Honestly the things Kehnin did are all the best things i have done. Jalae hasn't really done anything significant. Kehnin got eagle scout, kehnin did well in FBLA, kehnin was a good bowler. Kehnin had a lot of success if im being honest. And maybe that's part of the reason i don't identify with it. Those successes don't feel like they are mine. Like an unskippable cutscene i lived through the success doesn't feel earned.

All that being said, it's not like Jalae has done nothing. She has a toxic reputation for a reason. The chain reaction of "this isn't working - change everything" has had fallout. I certianly prefer who i am now, it's much more authentic. But the fact is im a less likeable person now that im done giving a shit about reputation. More than not caring im invested in destroying my reputation. im pissed off that online repuatation is something that matters. It shouldn't. It never did before. And now we are in a situation where anononimity is something found in the physical world, not the digital. For someone who grew up with the opposite being true this is strange indeed.

maybe that's fine. But i don't like it.

The physical world is like this hard to navigate, hard to traverse hellscape for me. Where online i feel like i can swim in all directions. Never mind that i do so mostly alone because there are very few who are willing to put up with me.

I have access to any thing my mind sets to aquire. That is something the physical world can't touch.

The name Kehnin is only loosely associated with Jalae. That's true. But the association is there, and to ignore it is irrelivant. It's not like im afraid of that association. Maybe there are other people who would prefer that association went left unexplored. The way things have been has distanced real world friends, and family from the radiation of my digital shadow. If that association were more wide spread that radiation would certianly hit some of them.

I resent that i have to consider that. I resent consequences for things that should have no consequence. expressing a stupid opinion should not only not be discourage but rather it should be protected. if i don't have the right to say "jew niggers did 9 11 so they can fuck toddlers" then what rights exist? Yes, mock me. Tell me im wrong. Ignore me. ANYTHING. but when i express an opinion like "having a pet is the same as slavery" and that's enough to get people interested in spreading my information with intent to hurt me? or trying to find family members to hurt them? well that's a problem in my book. "oh but you were saying that child porn should be legal that's different" it should be legal. I still think that. Because. It. is. Speach. now the production of cp i can get behind destroying. obviously. but here's the ironic thing: making it legal would make punishing producers easier. So from my perspective to be against the legalization is to be FOR illegal production.

I have talked about this many times. and NOT ONCE has a single person given me anything approaching evidence im wrong about this. mysteriously when there are legal means to access a thing, the illegal markets disappear. porn isn't like weed where it needs to remain in production to be consumed. in all honesty i kinda hate that porn markets exist at all. the vast majority of women in them are there because the system creates wealth inequality that allows rich men to exploit. all so the women can eat, and have a roof over their head. It's fucked up.

Im not any better in this situation. I can bitch and complain about this but that has never once done anything to change it. No one is interested in solving problems. They are only interested in HIDING the stuff they rather not see. No one cares that they have created a system that requires child porn to be produced. They just don't want to have to see it.

Kehnin was the same way. Kehnin was invested in these systems and exploiting them. To become powerful within it. At the expence of those born with less priviledge. Jalae is the answer, willfully throwing all that privledge away. Sinking herself into the darkest parts of herself to really KNOW what she stands for.

If you want to attack that it just shows how much of a coward you are. Afraid to confront your own darkness. Why don't i want to be Kehnin? because you bitches are just like him. pathetic status quo simping nigger jew illuminati christ ala muhamid cucks who support the worst offences of humanity with your willful cultivated ignornace.

I wash my hands of kehnin - in the mud.

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