a painful memory



This shit is hard to write which is why I ignored it to start with. I don't like that shit and it makes me miserable but it's important I think to really point to where Cyber's apathy toward lir family comes from.


Cyber didn't like the situation lal was in. That much should be plenty obvious. "Kimberly, are you doing your school work" lir mom opening the door to check on lir. Cyber frowned. "Yes. You are interrupting it actually." "Well you can't expect me to just believe you. Who knows what you are getting up to in here." lir mom left the door open and left. Cyber got up to close the door. "And don't call me that" lal shouted at the door and slammed it shut. Lal could hear thorough the door "You were born Kimberly and that's all there is to it. I'm not going to bend to your ridiculous whims" Fucking infuriating. It wasn't as if Cyber wasn't actually doing school work, but lal had to admit that if lir mom knew all the things that she was getting into she would flip her lid and ban her from everything. God forbid she found lir porn folder. There was a gap between them. Cyber imagined it was a generational up bringing thing, but lal knew that the circumstances of lir mother's upbringing had been extremely similar to lirown. Nothing had changed in centuries. There was just something about who lal was that was fundamentally different. Lir gender was just an aspect of it, as much as lal wanted to blame it all on that. Lir earliest memories were already conflicted with the upbringing. Cyber asked more questions about points of doctrine than lir peers, even as lal tried to accept them lal kept running into the boundaries where doctrinal "Truths" ran into "It's a matter of faith" well that's was just too convenient. If this god really had any kind of power why did it make this world this way? What was it's goals, and lal could only conclude that even if that god was good for the majority it wasn't good for lir. Eventually lal was asked not to come back to the group meetings as lir questioning was throwing confusion among lir peer group and even many of the teachers. More than a few had left the congregation no small part to the questions lal was asking. After that Cyber had more time to study for lirself other various philosophies and teachings. The similarities between them spoke to simply a human centric drive for understanding the unfathomable, and it became clear that no one knew anything one way or the other. No gods existed, or if they did they were pleased with themselves enough to stay out of human affairs. Lal reasoned for a time that if that were the case it could be because humans needed to learn things for themselves. And with that thought lal freed lirself from the tyranny of lir old beliefs. Lal had as far as lal was concerned permission to seek understanding of lirself and the world lal inhabited without fear of condemnation. "Kimberly I thought I told you to do the laundry before I came home!" Cyber's father this time "Shit I forgot" and immediately regretted lir language. Before lal knew what was happening lir hair was pulled dragging lir from lir chair and onto the ground. "I'm sorry father" "Using the devils tongue! Well lets clean that mouth of yours. How many times have I told you. ..." The words felt far away as Cyber less present in lir body and more watching the events play out. It wasn't the first time and she knew it wouldn't be the last. Lir parents would blame lir friends online for corrupting lir mind with language, even if lal already had this rebellion within lir from long before lal had any friends. When lal first went on-wired for school work it was like a whole new world opened up to lir. Before then all lal had was an unwired pad with religious texts. Lal had learned how to break the walls of that device to allow lir to put anything else to read on it and that's how lal had spent most of lir time before. With the wired lal had access to vast repositories of video and audio made by other people who had the same questions as Cyber had. Learning that was like a dream come true. Cyber wasn't alone in questioning the foundations of this culture, of this world. And while there were no real answers just knowing that lal wasn't alone made the world of difference. Soon lal discovered the written document experimental social media platform and became one of the more prolific writers on it. Lal would have deep conversations with people lal didn't know in far off places and that was how lal met both Yuki and latter Yolo. .

incoming references