your situation, is it what you really want?
is this ok? - a voice yuki couldn't quite recoginzed asked her.
your situation, is it what you really want?
yuki couldn't help but think if it really was. true she was awestruck with the situation, the newness of it held her entranced. but there was a sharp pang in her heart that she couldn't close off from.
she had less karma, less fate than someone her own age might be expected to have, but that just meant the few strands on her heart were all the more important to her. she had left her past relationships behind her, but there was one to whom she felt some level of regret about. had she been able to make other decisions, follower her own heart, then it's possible that person would never had existed. that existance was as a manifestation of her own regrets. a human regret. her son.
She had left her exwife 8 years ago, and her son would have been 10 now. older than her current body even.
she had not abandoned him in so many words, but from his perspective she may as well have. When she was still his father, she hadn't been a good parent. she lacked the confidence, and it was all she could do to just make it through each day. returning to home each day meant entering a hell of abuse again and again. she had known early in the marraige that it was likely not going to work. her exwife knew it too and at one point before the pregnancy even wanted to leave herself. they were held together by shame and expectation, compromise didn't exist when one voice demanded everything and the other's only outlet became sharp violence when backed into the darkest corners. but because she lacked that confidence, and nothing was approaching "fine" let alone "good" acceptance of her ex's demands often resulted in the most bearable situation. compounding the mistake as young stupid couples who can't stand eachother are sometimes want to do, was easy. have a child. having a child is supposed to be a good thing. a result of love for each other, and common goal. a forward extention of the species through time. children don't ask to be born, existance is thrust upon them at the whim of their parents.
yuki didn't want to say she regreted that. regreted a life who could grow and find their own purpose. it was that child's decision to live life and find their own joys as best they could. parents are expected to help their children to that end. yuki and her exwife had huge differences in parenting style informed by their own upbringing. yuki rejected her own upbringing, the strict judgment she knew had forced her to walk a road she hated, and didn't have the courage to step off the path. instead she tried as best as she could to provide as open a path for her child as she could. this resulted in endless conflict with her exwife who had a similarly conservative and strict ideals. eventually yuki packed up and left. small contact onwire persisted for a while but grew too painful to deal with. it wasn't contact with her son, it was contact mediated by her ex wife.
those choices to leave, to cut off. they were some of the first choices that she had done in her whole life that didn't think to care what others thought, or for other's benifit. it was purely selfish. and while it brought her a great deal of pain, since that point she has gotten happier. She had been able to become at least somewhat closer to what she wanted to be and how she wanted to live. The minimal lonely existance she kept wasn't her ideal, but it was as close as she could achieve.
So was this ok?
she felt guilty being this happy. it was stupid but it was true. she felt like she deserved to be in pain, she was so accustomed to pain that being happy felt wrong. yuki didn't know how she should share this with cyber. and she paled to think what her son might say.
feeling the bow they aquired as they rode in carravan she thought about that violent part of herself.
the ppart she had bit down and silenced. she knew it was a part of her, as real as any other part. and this world may demand that it come forth. she feared it. she feared that her feminity was fragile, unable to be seen through any violent act. because that fear she chose the bow and it's abstract form of violence. she could have said she was sufficently strong with sword or staff, but those would require her to be face to face with whomever she had to exact that violence against. she feared most of all that she would enjoy that kind of violence.
"are you ok? you've been quiet for a while..." cyber
"oh... im thinking about lots of things... " not really sure how much she wanted to share but knew that she ought to share it all.
she held her hand out to cyber, resolving to share everything. "i don't know if i should but..."
"you can tell me anything. i mean what's worse than you being a pedo?" cyber's joke easing yuki's tension. as cyber held the other's hand the thoughts and feelings were transmitted to cyber.
"wow... ok. so that was a lot." cyber said after the exchange
"i don't know what i can say about your family shit except that they aren't here. even if they were you did what was best for yourself and in a way for them as well... you have nothing to feel guilty about, im sure you understand that" cyber began
"ya, i do understand... but i feel extra guilty about laying this all on you...these feelings aren't something you should have to deal with... " yuki murmmered.
"you know i care and im glad you shared it with me.. as for that violence... if the time comes you will do what you need to. i know it won't corrupt you, at least not now that you aren't alone. remember we are here with you. and you won't stop being a girl just because you have to fight, honestly if i was a woman i'd be pretty insulted by that idea."
"how can you know that seeing that side of me won't change how you see me?" yuki didn't really believe lir but she wanted to.
"the fact is i guess i can't. but i know i'll still remember what i think about you now, and how cute you are in everything you do. unless you really do get a taste for killing and that changes everything about you, but you may as well be a different person at that point, and i know who you are now is a lot stronger than you are giving yourself credit for.
cyber stared into lir lover's eyes resolute.
yuki breathed deep. "ok" was all she could say.
cyber leaned in and kissed the young girl, and the other passengers on the convoy carage looked away embaraced at seeing what appeared to be two young girls in a deep passionate kiss.
naoi's face red interupted. "um... excuse me but you were able to communicate your thoughts to her by touching hands?"
"lir hand, yes." yuki corrected.
"oh right sorry. how were you able to do that?"
"we think it is because how we were translated into this world and combined with technology from our old world." cyber began to explain.
"our terminals, kinda like your mirrors could send messages back and forth through the air and wires, so we think that made it so we can send messages if we have a sorta wired connection through the nerves or sha or whatever."
"it doesn't work through the air tho." yolo chimed in. "this morning when we were talking before breakfast we tried that and nothing, but all 3 of us can sorta telepathically communicate through touch "
"you three... it's like every time i blink there's some new surprise" naoi's look of shock plain as day.
the other passengers listening intently at the conversation these outlanders and shrine maiden were having.