I feel like I've seen the end of the civilization I've been born into. The one I am a product of. All these little people made of plastic breaking out of their paper prisons and trampling over the flesh filled philosophical zombies. I'm just another of those zombies with the same inane and hopeless thoughts. The same useless dreams. Because I came from the same mud. It's sad for me to think the future won't know anything about star trek or pokemon because they have been things that affected my whole life. Things from which I drew great inspiration. They colored my world view and pushed me toward what I felt was a better version of myself. But the actuality of it, is that I'm just sitting here trapped in myself and my self importance. I'm not being any of those inspirational people, I have been lulled into a complacency and self loathing which brings nothing. I can't say that the world isn't getting better thanks to them, but I probably am not better. And it's depressing. Because it feels like something that has brought me joy. It feels like if I didn't see those things I would be a worse person. But who cares if I have these feelings of wanting the world to be a place of unity and acceptance. Of equality and of infinite diversity in infinite combination. Because in practice I don't like people. I'm scared of actually putting myself out there. Of judging and being judged. I'm scared of acting on my biases which I know are at odds with my ideals. I don't want to do something racist, sexist, evil, so instead I don't do anything and can't figure out what I can do instead. I can't just be better. I can't just fix myself. And though I probably should put the blame solely on myself, I feel like it's not really because I am this way, but rather because I was made this way. I understand intellectually from where I am now that at any point I could have chosen not to get sucked into it. No one forced me to consume. It was presented to me, and I valued how it made me feel. I valued these visions of a better tomorrow, of friendship and comradery. And despite my intentions or longings I think I would do it again. And again. Instead of just living a life focused on those ideals, I would take this easy road of being told of it's hypothetical existence, filled with all the ways in which it too fails to live up to it's own ideals. It doesn't actually push the conversation forward, it isn't actually the wave of change in the world. It just rides that wave parroting zeitgeist. Why am I so intent on being miserable? I feel unworthy of happiness. Because I'm not good enough. Can never be good enough. Don't even know what good enough looks like. My mind keeps looking back for some exemplar of virtue. And the only figure who fits the description, JC keeps saying "here I am", and I fight it. Why did my culture lay all these positive aspects at the feet of that one? Of course had it been given another name it wouldn't be different. My rejection of that idea is for the simple reason that I dislike those who espouse it. Not because the idea itself is repellant. Not because I can't get behind modeling my humanity after this symbol but because all the examples in my life of those who supposedly have don't live up to that symbol. Of course they don't tho. How could they? But I can't ignore that they use that symbol to achieve ends in opposition to the virtues the symbol is supposed to represent. .