falling in an abyss




It's hard to motivate myself to talk about this kind of thing. There are a number of reasons why, so let's talk about that for now since it's easier, and if you know the reasons for my reluctance at least I'll be able to ease my conscious with the fact that you should have known better if you fall victim to this infohazard. That's the first thing. I view this particular way of seeing as harmful. If I could choose not to experience it, see it, smell it, I would... well being honest, I'd reluctantly choose not to erase the memory of it, but if somehow I could have never had experienced it, that would be an easy ask. Unfortunately I am jealous of my memories. A data hoarder. Which makes me wonder how I ever learned to disassociate and compartmentalize. Maybe at some point I learned something that convinced me it truly is better to forget. Maybe I'll get there again some day. Passing on information, propagates, mutates, convolves, that information. It would be hubris to assume just because this view is harmful to me it must be harmful to another. This tempers the first reason. The second reason, is that it is difficult to put into words. I tend to have problems conveying my thoughts in a linear fashion, more so in a one dimensional form, such as text. This isn't a valid excuse however. To allow it to prevent the attempt is simple laziness. So in what way is this harmful? If you struggle with entropy deeply you may already have some forms of resilience to it, or it may worm it's way past your armor. If you laugh in the face of entropy as a silly pointless thing to worry about... Well, I'll just say Good Luck, Have fun. May you continue in your ways, and never have your foundation shaken. I never used to struggle with the concept of infinity. Raised with the concepts of God, and Eternity, it seemed obvious that infinity was a term for "very long time". The Mormon concept of God is one where the God we call God is one of many, one who ascended to godhood from the status of human (or something like human). Reasonable then that even if the soul existed before, it's not a given that the consciousness of that soul /always/ existed. So to communicate the difference in scope, to something which only has a sliver of understanding of it's own existence, which is in 'reality' many many magnitudes larger than it understands it to be, and which whose whole existence (the unknown part included) is necessarily "smaller" than this other's existence, well infinite may as well be accurate. Define from the perspective of a fly the length of time the universe has been in existence, and realize that the universe itself is a short period to this other. That's the scale. And things like this... I don't really have problems with understanding. Or rather, understanding is somewhat impossible, but the ideas don't cause distress. Perhaps the scope of my view is simply too small. How can I have distress over something I can't conceptualize? Well, since then I've done my best to excise the thought worm of Mormon theology from my mind. No simple task, as it was where my autistic fixation was focused for 20 years straight more or less. I am not talking about normal "casual" Mormon theology either. Rather, that was the groundwork, leading into "deep doctrine". The issue with any synthetic belief system is that with enough scrutiny they can be picked apart. However Mormonism was founded on the culture of such people scrutinizing general Christianity, thus things like the trinity or how could an immortal choosing to die and then resurrecting themselves be considered a sacrifice aren't "mysteries" to even the most basic casual Mormons, they are well understood and explained principles. How was Mary conceived by the spirit? God literally had sex with her. The trinity are one, in that they all have the same purpose and goals, they are 3 separate individuals. Jehovah of the bible is Jesus, so he literally was the "acting" God of the Old Testament. Dying on the cross was necessary, but it wasn't the sacrifice Jesus made, that happened at the garden when he prayed, at that moment Jesus pulled a Madoka and used temporal shenanigans to literally experience every suffering of the world and took them on himself. So the basic framework of Mormonism simply has much fewer internal inconsistencies than Catholicism or the protestant faiths, by design. For most people there are answers to every question of principle, and most members know them by heart. The children are taught songs that instill those principles at a young age, and even those who do question while 80% of the congregation might not know the specific answer there will almost certainly be many who know where to find the answer. "Oh that's in Jesus the Christ, have you read that? It's by Talmage and goes over everything about the atonement" or "well it's not necessarily all doctrine, but Mormon Doctrine by McConkie (who was an apostle) covers that quite well". Speaking of Mormon Doctrine, lets take a look at it says for Abyss. Abyss - See BOTTOMLESS PIT. Bottomless Pit - See ANGEL OF THE BOTTOMLESS PIT, HADES, HELL, PIT, SHEOL, SPIRIT PRISON. In an attempt to convey in imperfect, mortal language the infinite intensity of the sufferings of those cast into the pit (that is, into hell), John spoke not simply of the pit, but of the bottomless pit. (Rev. 9:1-2,11; 11:7; 17:8; 20:1-3.) The bottomless pit is the depths of hell. It is not a literal pit without a bottom, for such is a contradiction in terms. But it is a pit or prison where the inhabitants suffer, as mortals view suffering, to an infinite, unlimited, or bottomless extent. Referring to finite inability to comprehend the vastness of the suffering of those reaping the full measure of this status, the revelation says: "The end, the width, the height, the depth, and the misery thereof, they understand not, neither any man except those who are ordained unto this condemnation." (D. & C. 76:48.) Yup. That tracks. This twisting gnawing spiraling cycle which approaches absolute nothingness, accompanied by the pinnacle of despair, a crushing crescendo of emotion, which when there is nothing else begins to fade as well. There isn't any peace at that moment of void, and my mind searches for anything to grasp on to for salvation. Or I should say that's how it had been the first few times. Each time the thought of Jesus had come, and I rejected it out of hand. But this last time experience has tempered even that. I was removed from myself as if an observer to my own suffering of that moment. In the realm of infinite possibility there are untellable permutations. While it's easy enough to consider how many of them are better than reality, know that there are just as many far worse to consider. Flashes of a past torture humans returning to their true status as machines, transformer-like transformations into a a deep fryer, the man next to me spewing raging hot oil from the seven orifices, his arm twisting into sheet metal and a steaming pile of bolts and wires bursting from his pants. Running up a downward escalator, passing by a woman, who spewed forth a stream of blue ice slush from her mouth along with a painful scream. Another's whose hands had twisted into a pile of fried potato straws. The need to escape that lower level where the only existence was of sentient appliance, the gift of agency wasted, and so fitting punishment of perfect clarity of purpose passed down. Down a hallway, spiraling red and black, a tall slender cat-like apparition in carnival conductor attire. Holding out a baton and approaching a man down the hall. The cat-like thing asked of him: Do you have any idea how much your time cost? The man replied that it was his time to do what he wanted, it was free. And the cat like thing grew terrible in appearance, a dark shadow emanating from him, and it swung it's baton and suddenly the man folded onto himself and was pulled into the edge of the wall and floor and was gone. The cat like thing then approached me and asked what I thought time was. "a gift", was the offer I gave, weakly, not sure myself. There was a pause and the air grew stale, and the cat like thing was gone. The hallways corporate office, clusters of workers every where in cubicles which went on forever. The desire for motion in the air growing more with every passing moment. Thirsty. Hot. Suffocating. Different clusters began to independently build fans and blew air this way and that, but since there was only disorder it changed nothing. Not having association, thus freedom, I offered direction, point all the fans, /that/ way. Clear the walls in /that/ direction. Blow all the air /that/ way. I moved along and passed down the order, from group to group, and it began to build momentum. If this place was infinite it wouldn't mater, but if there was a final wall, perhaps a breeze of fresh air could be formed. A final wall stood there, The president of the world stood there at his podium, his symbol behind him, cameras focused, and the hot stale air blowing typhoon winds at my back. We must tear down that wall. We are trying to make a breeze. I said, not with respect for his symbol, simply as one human to another. He stood aside and we took down the podium tore down the wall. It opened into the gap space. The place which divides, and I along with many others was blown out into it. There was a safe place on the other side, and a strand of humans connected them, I clung to a group and another clung to me and casting my eyes this way and that, there were any number of other strands between the two "places" the gap widening. Strands of human links like pearls in the deep black, they began to snap, and with each snap, a visible distinction between the ones who were thence and whence. Those who were attached to the side I had burst forth from twisted into ghoulish abominations. And I saw, this change had started before the strands had severed, it was already happening even among the strand of humans I was a part of, below, if it can be called below, not a strand of humans, but of zombies, mutants, demons, disgusting creatures, and above, if it could be called above, mythical creatures, elves, fairies, angels. I held in one hand a purple beaded bracelet which was torn from me by a witch, and returned to me by a different woman from below who managed to push forward above me. In it's travels the bracelet had transformed, changed by it's experiences. I was compelled to return it to whom it belonged, and could only do so be severing the chain at my feet. They had turned vicious and would soon begin attacking me and those above me anyway, but still it pained me. A few kicks and we were free. I pulled myself up, the space between without gravity thus the motion easy. And there a spiral shelled creature, opaline in appearance, this was the woman to whom the bracelet belonged, she spiraled and twisted like a key ring clasping the now rainbow and purple ribbon of a bracelet. And I fell with the lingering image. The rainbow ribbon twisting it's after image a rainbow cowboy hat. Suddenly a textile existence. A sticker existence. A logo in various permutation. Rainbow Cowboy hat on red on blue on green on yellow. No body. No flesh. Just 2D existence in Rainbow Cowboy Hat matrix permutations. The 2D bursting into 3D, super combination. Screams : I DON'T WANT TO DIE. My body, distant. Thoughts : If only I could actually die. Aware again of flesh, my tongue in my mouth too big, much too big, or maybe it wasn't my tongue. I pulled at it, and aware now of crunchy salt crystals on garlic bread - my tongue, I vomited, melted cheese and tomato sauce. My reflection in the mirror clearly pizza. Oh this shit again, the thoughts in my head as my body felt cold and sticky, shaking convulsing with the feeling of fear beyond comprehension, and my eyes beginning to bleed drips of hot grease. A wall of hungry faces in every direction. It's merely a taste of that abyss I'm sure. It's one thing to hear it, another to see it, and I'm sure yet another to truly experience it. Even in this 'vision' if it can be called such, my mind was disassociating from it, too much for this human consciousness to experience in full lucidity. If that's what's waiting for me due to my error, my 'sin', then how do I fix myself? I only know that the answers humans tell me are wrong. And there is this nagging feeling, that if I were to take up the offer of this Jesus, and enter into his respite, it would only be a delay of the inevitable crushing agony to come, made all the more bitter by the sick joke at the end of it. Not only the weight of my own folly but compounded by trusting again something that was always a joke. The horror of bliss turned sour and mocking, the circus family torture beginning again. Midori loop..

incoming references