FUNGUS AMONGUS
too far gone
surveillance state. surveillance existence. Copywrite holders on pen and paper, using that to read my pen strokes, computer snoops reading my text input. Parsing the rhythm of the key presses for additional information beyond the specific words committed to disk. Never mind the fact of readers to the thoughts themselves, and the the feeling that I don't even really know why I feel compelled to post these things when I do. It's a habit I have formed. One that's cyclic it's waxing and wanings, more like the seasons than the phases of the moon. Sometimes the paranoid side is more dominant, before giving way to curiosity, then obsession, then tempered by logic giving way to paranoid. Although I think perhaps giving these "seasons" such names is a bit too restrictive. the paranoid is to logic as obsession is to curiosity. they are the manic forms, and manic A causes a state shift to hypo B to temper it. and vice versa. we are now entering or have entered have been entering a manic cycle of the "curious" variety. To be clear curious and logic as labels are also ill defined and restrictive. This latest curious as a color would have been notably desaturated, if this desaturation holds into the manic period, which it appears to be, then this may be one of my mildest manic episodes. I have not been a fan of myself generally, and especially in particular the past few months. I would not like a desaturated self to become the norm. But I don't really know why this lack of saturation is happening. It's not without upsides; I'm not likely to get the police called on me this time the way things are at the moment. I may be some kind of fungus. She admitted to herself after quite a bit of tedious avoiding the thing that prompted her to this point. people had been casting toy cars. die cast metal flying through the air at anywhere sub 80mph. several bounced off my skin hitting the flesh, transmitted to the bone where elasticity gives way to unforgiving calcification, the flesh betwixt the metal plaything and the crystalline calcium lattice compressed, the increase of fluid pressures in various flow ways within the flesh exceeding their momentary dynamic load limits and bursting. holding hands over face, covering eyes, nose, mouth. Fetal position to limit surface area. It wasn't as if they were all aiming for me, but some where, having given up on their actual goals this portion rather cast their ballot in on the side of petty minor revenge. I never felt like I was accepted within myself. Like an outsider to my own life. of course being an outsider to my own life, It would be hard to not feel like an outsider to any group connected to my life. I have been a member of any number of cult like groups as well as "fraternities" most with ritual and challenges to join them. Maybe these kinds of rituals are intended to foster this sense of belonging, but it just doesn't. maybe because it all seemed like a joke even to them. It's just kinda silly seeing a "secret organization" that has lost it's teeth due to fear of public sentiment or lawsuit. What happened to initiation rituals like survive for a week in the wilderness with naught be a knife and the clothes on your back? no, instead it's this pathetic fast for 2 meals while doing moderate amounts of middling physical labor for a while before taking a break to carve some wood with a knife too dull to cut butter. I won't say it wasn't trying. But what is this, a Tuesday? I already skip breakfast nearly every day. A late lunch is no big deal, even after 4 hours of path clearing in the woods. Seriously. The most annoying thing was learning my pocket knife was terrible at cutting wood. Feeling like I never fit in, there must be some reason for it. I used to make an effort to try to fit in. Fake it till you make it. Faking it never worked. (cue the no true Scotsman complaints, I'll file them away properly, I swear)
tags:
context green midori_loop ostracization pain safe