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i don't even fucking know.

behind the scenes

PANANIMEISM

comparison with pan heroism

TAGS:whitewritingworksdreamsdepressionvideosafe

It's like we're all these quantum fluctuations and shit.
That's how it started. The idea isn't terribly complicated and it's kinda useless, but here i am talking about it for no reason at all. Isn't that how it's supposed to be?
On a fundamental level it's like we observe certian realities but it doesn't mean that the possibility space doesn't extend beyond that.
Simple enough. Just because we see the coin land heads doesn't mean there isn't an equally true reality where it lands tails. that view is simply obstructed from our vision by the construct we inhabit.
and on any point you have the same kind of fractal, n0thanky0u would say rhisomic, pattern.
The structure of reality is consistant in that way. it's got desision trees for days. and we just pick along which path we want to go down. the switch board of our mind taking down a path which branches and sways.
This is boring. translating this video to text in this way is boring. but i needed something to write about. See i haven't written much as of late. been too exausted. been making too many videos, and videos take the same cognative energy as writing does. because that it's a sorta zero sum game deciding between them. and right now it feels like it's time for writing again. writting is somewhat better than video. at least video in the manner i do it. which is basically take a topic and talk about it. talk about the side topics that are relevant as well. flesh out the idea and branch out providing context. the context, seeing as the topic tends to be personal opinion then, is mostly personal anecdote. and so it ends up being a lot of talking about ones self. which isn't really the point, nor is it terribly desireable. but it is what happens. hell im doing it even here and now.
there are things in my mind i struggle with putting into any kind of physical form. today i came home from my therapist session and was hit by a rather heavy day dream. well maybe a normal dream as i was almost asleep. i was in the body of a man, and i was fucking a child. then i was in the body of the child, being fucked by that man. the scene was first pleasant, toching, almost enough to feel like this was ok. this was a thing that was good. switching perspective between predator and prey, the scene wasn't all desire but it was in a way concentual. until it wasn't.
after the man finished in the little childs mouth forcing them to take it, he grabed them by the hair then punched the kid hard across the face. a dark grin over his face. at that moment i could no longer watch and became a part of the dream, or rather the will that was showing me this changed allowing my more noble consiousness to deal a blow to my more depraved id. a knife in the back of that man, who screamed then fell to the floor. the child recognized this other as his mother and ran to her protection. but the mother didn't double tap and the man revived his lust and depravity now thoughts of what he could do to the both of them. the things he could force them to experiance.
even in my dreams i fight against having these kinds of thoughts. the higher consiousness appeared again, this time in the form of a time traveler. "remember if you are ever in a situation where to need to kill someone. double tap." slashing the mans throat from behind him. blood shooting out from the jugular.
God i miss the old internet. or rather i miss my memory of it. there was something magic about finding a new website. sitting late at night at my computer, sneaking downloads of bulma hentai while reading wikipedia and browsing random sites. the old internet was full of links, and sure more than half would cough a shit storm of popunder ads with moaning loud into the speakers, that is at least once before you learn to mute them before commencing late night browsing. but even with all that bullshit, it was magic.
i don't think the current landscape has any less potential for that same magic feeling. i just need more for it to invoke it for me. i've already discovered so many hidden gems. i've already tasted a flavor i love for the thousandth time. nothing will ever feel like that first time. but i still have the craving for it. i still want to see something that stops me in my tracks. something that takes my breath away. something that makes me giddy and excited. I don't really feel that anymore. so i dig a little deeper. I take things i love and i twist them into something more potent. something more bizarre or condensed. it can't just be something that tickles my eyes it needs to tickle my ears. i need to combine it with eating something, with getting high, with anything, everything else.
and now my circuits are fried. my inputs have been so maxed out by the screaming that everything becomes a dull gray. this is all a me problem. The world isn't less magical. im just no longer sensitive enough to see the magic. and that's sad. it's sad and i don't know how to fix it. it's like do i just sit here and continue to do this? this plain yellow... off white background. no music. just the typing of my fingers in a rythm to keep me company? this is much less stimulating of my inputs. this process by which i vomit data out. but i wonder if there is any point to any of this.
i suppose there only needs to be the fact of it. the outputing while not stimulating can probably make me more sensitive to that magic again. can't it? is that reasonable? so even if these words are dross, it doesn't mean writting them was pointless right? that seems to make sense. probably.
i wonder a lot about the future of denpa. how will history look back at this moment. what will be retained. will this art movement become something noteworthy? will there be hour long documentaries detailing denpa in the modern context as what we percieve it to be? or will it pass away into the night forgotten like so many others. how many movements do we have no evidence for? is it possible to even know?
Part of me wants to go onto vr chat. another part of me feels like it's just chasing that high again. that it's trying to find that feeling i've been llooking for since the early days of the internet, and that chasing that high isn't the right solution for me. i know i just want to be efucked, really. and i guess it's not like that's a bad reason. but it's not like it's a great reason either. i want to feel like im doing something wrong again. isn't that weird? in the past i alway had this hyper awareness of the sounds of the house because i needed to know when to click out of anything i shouldn't be watching. that feeling of on edge, im doing something bad, something bad will happen if im caught, combined with the sexual energies of releaese. that's something i haven't felt in a long time. one because i don't think it's bad, and two because im not afraid of what happens if im caught. it's like ya, that's porn on my screen. you coming into my room right now, and see me jerking my meat, well maybe knock next time. and maybe that's not great but it is where i am. don't get me wrong i do like not feeling guilty over my human responses. i know that this body has desires and there's little reason to deny something like masturbation. and plenty of reason not to deny it. and feeling guilt over it for no real reason does nothing but make it less effective at the good things it does. that stress relief. the heating and cooling. it doesn't need to be twinged with the flavor of guilt. it's so dumb.
but vr chat is more than that... it would let me see amazing worlds. it would let me more completely escape the reality i live in. and there in lies both the best reason i want to go and the reason i shouldn't. i really want to just disappear into that kind of world. to find some dark corner in it, publicly accessable but mostly alone. and just chill there while watching anime and shit. i just want to find new frontiers of comphy. i just want to be alone wrapped up in a blanket warm and safe. when's the last time you felt like that. i ask myself. always on edge these days.
like bombs could drop out of the sky at any moment. and it really does feel that way. doesn't it? i always wonder what tomorrow might hold. this whole fabric of reality could just break appart and restructure itself. the whole universe (or maybe just a part of it) restructuring the laws of physics to allow for the change. i don't see any reason why it can't happen, and i am crying within myself again wondering why it doesn't. why can't i through force of will alone change my physical body. it only needs to change a few laws of physicals for a small area. why can't it happen. why doesn't it happen. i haven't cryed about this in a while i guess. i've been feeling too comfortable with myself. but then i started thinking about vr chat. and one of the amazing things in vr chat is that you can pick what you look like. this is something meta doesn't understand at all. people want to be able to express themselves through their body. in the real world you might call this fashions. but that's not all it is in vr chat. sure there is fashion. but beyond that there are different body types. there are all kinds of beasts, and big titty anime bitches. and you can be that or anything. you can become anything. and how you present will have an impact on how you are percieved. but the big thing is choice. in the real world we don't seem to have any choices about how we look. maybe we do but don't remember. i accept this possibility because i have to. but regardless i can't remember it now, and if i did choose i have no idea what i was thinking. why would i choose this? what was the rationale? what did i think would happen? was i retarded?
pan animeism isn't just about anime. i think i should make that a bit more clear. The idea is that these kinds of archetypes exist, and they change form/ evolve over time. you could look back trace the idea of say thor forward through time and see many different interpretations. those each evoke different aspects of that idea, or else tie it to new concepts. The process creates a space in this larger idea realm which can all be linked to this other central core idea of thor. maybe those branches become distinct enough to become their own star within the space. a central nexus of ideas which have branched off from the main tree so to speak. This is all a bit abstract and probably it's hard to think such a way of viewing things would have any merit.
I don't really claim that it does. I know it is the way that i see things, so my brain must have decided that it's important for me. but really i guess it brings me some hardships. Because i see things in such a way i can often lose touch with reality. see to me these ideas exist just as strongly or perhaps more strongly, they begin to have sway within my mind. I recognize these ideas as bigger than myself, something that is worthy of service, and so i will begin to serve the ideas as best i can.
Isn't that strange? but it's quite true. The idea i serve most in this space would be lain and what lain represents. The chaos of the wired. the spirit of open communication. the love of freedom. the pain of alienation. and of course the bluring of the lines between truth and myth.
Myth is more convinent than the trueth, but legends can be unpredictable, in both power and incarnation, so it's probably best not to use legends. But myth is still quite useful. Specifically because we can define it however we like.

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