Trying something new. I feel like I haven't done much lately, but I know that it's bullshit. I do loads of shit. Constantly. I have been working, making videos, doing paintings, making a fucking musical instrument, a loom, planting shit outside. All kinds of bullshit. Truly. But still for some reason I have this urgency. It's like god damn why haven't I done more things! there are all these other people who have done really cool shit and how am I different from them where are the gaps in my ability which separates them from me. Which of these do I have any control over, which are things I am willing to do, which of them have the results in them. And the fact seems to be that there is things I'm not doing with regard to collaboration that many of these others do. Collaboration. Damn. That's a decent answer. And one that's hard to accept. I hate working with other people. I need to learn how. I guess that's one of the things I'm learning at this job. I am needing to do meetings and talk to people. It's crazy. It's like the part I hated worst at my last job and really all jobs but way more of it all the damn time. So if I start a project with someone do I think this urgency will go away? No. Because I feel like the thing I want to do the spark I want to have is something I have to make myself. I have to believe that I am capable of progressing to the point where I can make the things in my heart better. This web zone is a part of that bigger thing I guess. And it's something I can do reasonably well with the current level of skill. Making my videos and other visual arts, writing diatribes about various (computer shit a disproportionate amount of the time.) I was just hit by a psychic beam. So I'm going to make emotion colors and topics list pages so there's another way of navigating the page by links. Ooo. It's nice. Also I really want to set up a peer tube now. Hmm. --- Holy shit I'm tired. Just like existentially tired. The kind of tired that makes doing anything even just sitting here at my computer a kind of hell. I want to sleep but have already been sleeping so damn long. Doing anything on my main pc takes too much effort. Because I'd have to be standing up to use it. Well that's not exactly right. I could ssh into it and be using it without moving from where I am but then I'm left to doing it using terminal only since the x forwarding doesn't really do a good job. That isn't to say it doesn't work. But if I say wanted to use blender that doesn't work over forwarded x for some reason. .