she asked me to talk about totoro in my next video if i was here and not there for a specific reason. of course im unable to answer in such clear ways.
There is more to it than that of course.
but it's not far off.
I don't like being incomplete in my communication. i don't like being in a position to say something and saying half the thing.
It's not as if i am fully cognizant. it's not as if i am capable of doing all the things i want.
And i have made terrible decisions. and it's not like i like you either.
I don't... we weren't on the same wave length.
im not high enough energy. and im not who i want to be.
I need time to recover all the time
i want to sleep all day and all night
i don't live being active and doing things every day.
when i do things i want to do it fully, but that amount of energy.... i don't have it in me.
More than that i resent when you think you are right and i know you are wrong.
I don't always take your side on things? ya, that's certianly true, because my relationship to truth itself is more important.
I never learned how to stand up for myself.
I never learned what it was i wanted
i never learned how to achieve the things in life i wanted to achieve. or how to find the truths that mattered.
I don't even know if any of this is real.
That dream i had last night...
I was going to leave the world behind, i was putting on my shoes, collecting my things.
I was done.
I no longer wanted a single thing to do with it.
and she said something like "as soon as you leave im just going to cry"
and i pushed her against the wall. Gliter on her brow and temple, a little on her cheek...
her eyes were misty but no tears were there.
"then come with me" i growled more than said.
she started crying then and agreed.
This was a mistake this wasn't right.
the me here and now seeing this action can tell how much of a mistake it was.
it used all kinds of tricks and subversions which i find detestable.
It might have been "an honest moment" or whatever, but it was basically strong arming a reality into existance that
rationally shouldn't have been.
she didn't want to leave, and honestly he didn't want to take her.
He thought about taking the keys for the car as he left "better not" he muttered.
The car could have gps, it could be reported stolen.
For similar reasons he left his phone behind. He considered taking just clothes and soap, a knife.
but with her in tow the life he was willing to subject himself to was not one she would deem an acceptable comprimise.
He couldn't just live under a tarp with her. he didn't have any kind of plan.
the cracks in the spell were visible from the very beginning.
"oh i left my phone" she said
"well it's just one of those connections im cutting" he replied
"but i want something to watch" she said from several feet behind her.
The early morning air was cool and slightly damp, there were little street lights all lit up and cute shops with doors still closed. there was a mountain in the distance
He had been enjoying all this scenery, ambiance, while thinking where was it they were going to go. what was the plan.
He had the idea, crazy as it was, maybe the thought of "taking no thought of what you should eat or wear" from the bible taken completely literally wasn't so crazy and that was the best option.
but those words froze him. "but i want something to watch"
it was like... don't you understand what's going on?
don't you get it?
something to watch?
it wasn't as if she had turned into a pillar of salt, but the undesireable taste in his mouth wouldn't go away.
There is no way she was going to be able to accept what it was he was doing.
She didn't want the same things.
She wanted him to stay. She was hoping going along with him would help bring him back. Snap him to his senses.
how can you be happy without the constant feed of entertainment.
how can you live without the infrastructure and industry of civilization.
at best you will be a beggar living on handouts.
but the freedom of movement, the freedom to go here or there, to see this or that.
To explore the world... that has been so entirely taken from us...
and she wanted him to... go back...?
go back to that tiny world of clutter and noise force fed down gullet to create minds fat with synthetic crap suculent for the feeding of spider queen.
a mind like his was too gamey and lean. it had too mand tight connections. it was possible still to do some kinds of cooking with a mind like that, but it required
slow cooking at low heat to disolve the tight connections. either that or extremely high pressure to liquidate and render the fat post haste.
Spider queen generally prefered the raw mind of the gibbering masses cattle feed on popculture noise and flashing lights of complacency.
pop them in 4 at a time and let their jelly filled crunch fill her mouth.
The woman was of that kind. Her mind so filled with pop culture noise she had been suseptable to his swooning romantic masculine gesture. the physical sensation of something
she had only ever seen. the heat of his breath and determination in his eyes as he looked at her. not idlely not casually, but really focused on her face. she had felt at that moment all she wanted
The only thing she could ever want is to be with him. and when he had said "come with me" she thought, for that moment "yes i will follow you anywhere!"
but the addrenaline of that moment was a fading thing. the beating of her heart not able to sustain for even minutes, let alone hours, days or years, that same drum beat in her ears.
The flush of her cheeks were now cold and damp, and the was that show she had been wanting to watch and she didn't have her phone. woops, i guess we have to go back for it.
And mentioning the phone he dismissed it entire - it wasn't a mistake he wanted to make sure that they wouldn't have their phones.
He didn't want the connections those phones implied. He would have thrown me away in exactly the same way, was going to. she remembered. He indeed was serious about this.
He wasn't just idlely choosing to leave on a whim if he had a plan she didn't know it but he might not ever want to be in similar position again.
He didn't want the connections.
why did she leave with him? because she wanted him to stay with her.
she wanted him to be important enough to him to keep him there.
the thinking patterns we are surrounded by. the places we grow up the people that we meet the culture that we embrace and propogate...
There are things i have no desire to put out into the world. there are mistakes i have made. am still makeing. will continue to make
That i don't want to infect others with.
Infection is an insidious thing. Surviving an infection is hard. it takes all kinds of therapy medicine. etc.
this infection in my mind is something im not sure i can be free of and still be me.
It is something that has so completely rearranged my way of thinking that it's hard to consider outside possiblilities.
I don't discount the possibility that such things are possible. but i honestly don't understand.
And i don't want to make the same terrible terrible mistakes i have made again.
I don't want to really