Drug testing



My ability to sleep has been effected lately. I don't really know why. out of dreams. The dreams I do tend to have are pretty mundane but of a dark nature. Nothing fanciful or otherworldly. But involving for example someone being kidnapped over a debt. I guess my most recent dream was somewhat otherworldly. Involving death as a metaphor and a counting method of various steps to conclude how many deaths have happened using physical pneumonic. The weirdest thing is that I was reading text in that dream, and the text didn't change what it was saying as I was reading it. Normally in my dreams the text would not be consistent between looking at it and looking at it again. But I suppose I was straining to read it. Maybe that had some effect? Why was predictive text being shown randomly? Dome explanation I'm sure. But "machines" don't just do things "randomly" over the air updates. Predictive text - does it send things over the network or does it use a language model locally? It seems to be the later, which is why we had to download each of the language packs with the keyboard app. I'm sure they use it as an excuse to record all the text input. Someone I've talked to a bit online, whose videos I saw and felt like contacting a while back recently told me to add them on discord. I don't like using discord. I don't like how I use it. I don't like the feeling of constantly feeling like I need to check it, and I don't like the notifications, I don't like worrying about if what I wrote is going to be well received on a line by line, on a word by word basis. I don't like feeling the stress between each message waiting for the the reply and the feeling that there has to be and the feeling that every minute that passes between is some how a moral failing. This is all a "me" thing, as in it's in my head and the problem is what I bring to my relationship with it. But I haven't ever been able to change that way of thinking I have. The way the app is built, the features it has. The fact that there is another person on the other side and my visceral knowledge of that fact. So I have ignored their request. It's not like I'm doing anything better with my time generally. I mean basically just jerking off, playing games, watching videos. This is the most "fruitful" thing I've done in recent days. And it's arguable how "fruitful" this is. I guess a problem I have is with trust. I don't want to put things into words, things I think or things I want to explore, because I don't trust the world not to punish me for doing so. Or rather I expect it to. If I put out the fears I have inside then I feel like they will manifest themselves more directly. So instead I focus on other things, anything, as close to positive as I can find, as close to enjoyable, as close to harmless. Everything is harmful, but some of the most harmful things tend to be things which people have sought after in ignorant confidence that it was something good. I know I don't know enough to know what is and isn't harmful, not in the short term and especially not in the long term. So I try to make as few ripples as possible, thinking that it's somehow better than being splashy. Then there are moments where I can't bear being quiet, and I feel like I must be as loud as possible as high frequency as possible that everything must recognize that signal. I don't have justification for it. In those moments in that moment, in that place, I just have to do it, and if I don't then everything will disappear. I'll disappear. And somehow those are the same thing. I'm not in that place right now, or rather at that time, but I guess I am in that place. I don't feel like I need to be universe renderingly loud. I also don't feel like I need to be entropy destroyingly silent either. Which is another thing I sometimes feel. Like my heart beating in my chest is louder than an airplane and that the sound of my hands rubbing together can topple mountains and that my breathing is deafening and I just need to be quiet. Is there any virtue in reflecting on feeling that way? I feel like exploring those feelings perhaps will be a trigger for feeling that way again, but I justify it by saying the exploration prepares me for the inevitable moment when I am in that time and need a way out. Knowing that I have been there and that I was there and that I will probably be there again, it's some kind of relief knowing that I won't be there again too. -------------------------- "Drug testing" That's what the guy said. Then he "thanked me for my time" and walked away. I'd rather be sleeping but there's all this anxiety in my legs. pent up energy in my feet. And I'm sneezing a lot. I'm tired tho. Like I want my eyes to be closed, and I want my consciousness to have a break. But it just won't and I don't know how to let it. Or make it for that matter. Is bluetooth an audio protocol? Does the tablet know the sound of the keys and is therefore able to know what I'm typing? I know that it's supposed to be possible, even through video. Everything I "learn" makes security seem like a total impossibility. So why bother. Why bother at anything. Everything has been done. Why am I here then. What's the point. Is there one? I guess I don't know what the alternative would be. People supposedly still die. I guess there's that problem to solve. Then there's the problem which inevitably follows that people contain ideas and sometimes ideas need to die, so maybe people need iced sometimes, even if they don't die, or at least they need their sphere of influence contained as to not contaminate other modes of being. I was thinking about the matrix. Like there's really no escape from it, it's just layers of various matrices in one giant matrix, and even if somehow I did get out all I'd be able to do is accidentally create another layer to the matrix cake. So the goal then isn't to "escape" but rather to find the place within the matrix where I can "solve problems" and/or "not create new problems" but those are fundamentally at odds with each other, since perspectives differ and all change is seen as problematic to some and all status quo is seen as problematic to other. Or rather given a change regardless of what that change is, there exists some real and or hypothetical position from which that change is problematic. And. Given some status quo there exists some real and or hypothetical position from which that status quo is problematic. There does not exist the case where everything is fine and good forever and for all perspectives. So then it's like this strange battle of wills and I kinda hate it Like especially what I am told is the the dominate way it's done, i.e. through money and control. But then I also have this like super dim view of people. Partially because I'm a person and have a super dim view of myself, but additionally because I expect that there are as many who are worse than me as better, and that's kinda terrifying. But maybe that's not true. I don't really have any way of knowing. I mean, I don't really know that there are any people at all. I just assume there are based on previous history and the feeling that those memories are real and that the projections I see are somehow a reflection of a real world with which I can interact and that the people in that world are indeed "real" whatever that means. --------------------------------------------------------- Apparently the writer's guild is striking. Some people are thinking "Hollywood" is going to take this opportunity to use LLMs to do the writing for shows. Some people hearing this think that the writing will be noticeably worse to the average viewing audience. They are almost certainly wrong. It's not like writers, good writers, have had much of a say in how shows have been made up to this point. Like it's very much a design by committee process. Everything sanitized and polished. Why bother starting with a work from a single human when you can get a popular opinion through neural networks and then polish that? Writers so full of themselves. I guess I could be more hopeful in the vibrations I let leave my head, but I have been taught by experience than I shouldn't ever let my genuine opinion and deeply held desires out of my heart, and that I should scarcely even allow them to become thoughts in my mind. Lest they turn into cruel abominations and assault me. --------------------------------------------------------- Generator. Something that converts mechanical motion into electrical current. Why do I need to be able to come up with I really am terribly afraid of wishing into being something that oughtn't be wished for, of creating worlds that oughtn't be created. There's this gnawing that fiction is real. Or that there's no such thing as fiction in reality. It's paralyzing. nothing flows. And I'm concerned with watchers dissecting every stroke. Each word needing to be perfectly placed the first time as they are formed. .

incoming references

F 00100 REBOOT