On effort

i don't know why i have such a hard time with things that don't come naturally and low effort to me. How do i get over that hump. how do i just deal with the fact that somethings take effort? clearly there are things in my head things that i am reciever for which i have this need to get out. be it imagery or words. experiances, etc. i have that. these feelings these expressions. i can see other people's efforts and wonder at them i can see that it is not an issue of talent, it's an issue of conserted effort it's an issue of repitition. it's consistancy. i have this failing of effort. i want to be better at art. i want to lucidly communicate.



you dumb motherfucker, you thought you were doing it for some thing in the future? some bright tomorrow? It's the cuteness it'self s the moment of moe that's the phylosophy. it's not some bright moon fuure. it's the glorious cute today.

i don't like this kind of thought. It came to me in a flash as my spirit was out of this meat and mingling in the snow. At the end of the life the work the play the toil the time - all of it will be the same. at the end there isn't justification, nor is there anything to hope for, it's just over. If it was a fun experiance as it was happening then that's the best we can do isn't it? Isn't that all we really can hope for? Is there any sense in planing for something more?

Anime as a medium is the performance of an ideology that says pleasure is found in the moment. Work to create a moment pleasure to boost that moment of pleasure and to allow it to spread is justifiable just for the moment itself. It's not just an escape. it's gratuitious. it's pleasure given flesh of ink and paper, given wings of pixel and light. the gods of anime don't build to the betterment of life, that doesn't even make any kind of sence.

In a way to endevor to create a work depicting a fantastic word set in some imagined future is to confess that such a future is impossible. acceptance of that idea... is painful. there is an existential pain, sadness in the idea that the pure moe of beautiful pleasant anime girls is an unrealized impossible wish.

There is a today i can seize where i am a god of this domain. I know it exists, it has existed for 50 years and it will exist forever as far as i can tell. The world has always been this way. The technology that i have at my disposal is the same fundimentally as the technology that has always existed. This is not too strange a thought, the proliferation of that technology is a somewhat new thing to these generations, but it's been so widely dispersed at this point it's clear that there are people who just are unable to grasp the power they have right? Like for a long time i knew there was a lot that this technology could do There was magic that most people didn't understand when i was growing up - but i had always had some level of access to it. I always could put my words, my thoughts into this form. I could always use the digital to render my imaginings into the cirtual. I thought for some reason that people who lacked this potential could achieve more if they had it.

That's not true tho. Most people don't care about creating. they don't care about the potential. They just are given more options for the waste of their time. That's not something to condemn. Fundimentally everything is a "waste" of time from anothers perspective. If you don't respect what im doing with my time i have wasted it. if i don't respect the way that you are spending your time then you have wasted it. The fact that most people respect money and things that aquire money well, that gives a pretty common language for "waste" which the populas can agree on. If what you are spending your time on has given you a lot of money then clearly it wasn't a waste.

It's funny.

This kind of talk is annoying and the realization that money wasn't the point it's just conflation of means and end, for a long time pushed me toward anticapitalism. I didn't consider that my distaste of the love of money didn't mean i had to be anti capitalist.

I could be completely ambivilant. That was always an option. i just didn't ever open my mind to that idea. How could i?

bits are either 0 or 1. if you aren't for something clearly you must be against it.

It's just dumb.

I don't care about money. I just don't care. I don't like thinking about it. I don't even want to fight it. I'd prefer if it didn't exist because i think a lot of people living under the tyrany of money would be able to do more if they weren't, but this too like the lo-tech hi-tech divide before is not something that matters. I have created a situation around myself where i can exist without thinking about money for the most part. The fact that i think about it as much as i do is my fault. I remind myself about it. But i don't have to do that. I can just do the things i want to and let those who will seek to monitize it do it themselves.

I will still resent it, but i don't have to fixate on that i suppose.

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