just a disappointment

such a profound sadness.

Like i personally disappointed Matthew Sobel. As if Matthew Sobel had with me in mind a set of plans expectations. And i failed to meet them entirely. a slap to the face from this ... man..? no he had become more than that. Why is it i could feel such a profound sadness. Hopelessness. at the thought of failing him. I don't even know what he might have wanted me to do. And i sit here still wondering what it was, tears at my eyes "you should have been able to figure it out... i thought you would" I can hear his reply at the thought. But i don't know. I still don't know. There are so many problems. There are so many things that need to be done. And i don't have any power at all. These words are all i have left. My capacity to create has been deminished by dullness How can i sharpen myself? To what end should i sharpen myself?

The industrial revolution and it's consequences have been a disaster for humanity only dwarfed by the app revolution and it's on going consequence.

We may not be living in the point in history that is most important of all time, but we are certainly at a moment where the energies of potential world lines are coelessing more and more densely into fewer and fewer universes. I talked a lot yesterday about the "great scattering" that is currently happening. And i believe that it is true. Socially there are more and more fractures of humanity spiralling out into unknown parts. But all of that may be for naught. The thinking machine threat is real. krilozek. the whirlwind struggle. One of the potential doors that remains is the harsh cruel reality of a new global agrarian society. it will be hard and painful and many people will die. The other door is worse. the fake potential futures, social fragments will either fall into la'cryma, or be absorbed into the white of shangri-la. That's all there is. again and again. sucess is a momentary avoidance of the total encompasing oblivian of shangri-la.

so what is it im missing? against what shall i rage? The whole of this construct around me is feeding shangri-la. To lash out against it feeds it as well. The frustrations are ubiquitous and there is no single enemy. Im not smart enough to find them. Im not smart enough to do anything. Im just a disappointment. My mind is slowed. I have so much information but no experiance. And i just keep aquireing it, without any understanding of how i can or should use it.

Everything seems pointless. Everything is pointless. So why is there this profound sadness? The sadness that knows there is something to be done. There is something i can do. Something to relieve the pain for myself or if not that than for others of my kind.

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