AMBIGUITY
- it's so fuzzy -
"do you want to go to the store?"
I had failed to pay attention. rather, i had deliberately chosen to look away the moment the conversation began. Watching someone talk is too fucking draining. Look away, focus on the ground, the table, the birds on the tree outside. ANYTHING except the person talking to me. Because looking there would be too much information.
so do i want to go to the store? the question enters, and immediately i strip it down to the literal symbols of lexical information. Remove the cadance, the tone, the inflection. no. No i do not want to go to the store.
but I do this deliberately. I do this because the alternative is this - I see the shift of posture, the flex of fingers, the tilt of head, the curve of lip, the eyebrow motion. All of this intrudes, and paints some kind of demand. I know it's communicating. I know that there is meaning there. But what does it mean? And so my mind begins to spiral. Look for some answer, something that makes sense. Maybe in the tone, the inflection of the "you" the rise at "store". again, there is clearly something there. and the stress beings to mount. Too many possible interpretations.
"I want to go to the store, do you want to come with me"
"you have been inside too long, and i want you to leave your room"
"it would be nice if we spent some time together"
"I need to get something but feel some obligation to invite you, but don't actually want or need you to come with me"
and they continue. meanings swim, and despite the absolute ocean of information, there is no clear picture.
We exist in sea of ambiguity. It is the very air we breath. Or is it air? The question marks of reason infiltrate even here. We can't be sure of anything. Are the memories we have access to in any sense real? These words we post here and now, the interface we use to do it. It's mearly protocol, and somehow-wise a hidden mechinism clicks. Tommorow's feed subtly recognizing the offering of my words and poking me through digital (ostensibly) abstraction.
How can one _not_ tolerate ambiguity? what do you think this world is? can i somehow live there instead of here?
.
a jab at the autistic fixation of current day. moral superiority? we've always spoken from a place of moral superiority. Since day one. because we are superior.
"maybe it wasn't about you?"
who the fuck else even exist bro? all these words, words, words. sparkling refractions of light i will have been emitting eons ago and since. There isn't anyone or anything else. of course it's about me.
"like maybe chill? other people like... exist"
i remember being like that too. it's ok when you become me now instead of me then you'll see. There's nothing i can say to me then to make you understand.
"have you been keeping up with your ...
shut your filthy whore mouth before i shut it for you.
. . .
anyway. matt said some pretty fucking retarded things after doing some pretty fucking retarded things, and one of the more retarded fucking things he happened to say was to the effect of "i've learned i have to be genuine all the time" while also saying "i have to be aware that in all settings anyone could be recording me to make me look like a fool" (to be clear this is not exactly what he said. like, have i ever directly quoted a person? throw a link to such a time in the comments if you can find such heresy so i can purge it from existance.)
this was in reference to him having been recorded in a private conversation with some people from 4chan and saying some dumb ass shit.
so here's my question matt, you genuinely expect me to believe you are a wholesome and clean person, who is genuinely not putting up a front, despite also saying you were a 4chan user, who literally ran a scam, talked shit about whales who you can take advantage of, and now this "genuine person" you are in all situations isn't just a fabricated persona you are wearing to appease the dipshits? hilarious if true.
i don't really have a problem with you being a total fucking [degen], [scam artist]. my favorite people are degens. and i can at least admire the balls on unashamed scam artists. It's the sliminess. The weasly ploting. It's abhorant.
And worst of all. You are just someone who failed to be an apex normie in america so you decided to devote your fucking life to attempt to be an apex normie in japan. That's dumbest fucking nonsense i've ever dreamed up. Like how did my mind come up with this plot line? i really need to fire my script writer and get a new one. Shit's cooked bro.