Journal of account during the time before [oldgate]'s collapse
#Stolen Journals Well I sure am doing something? I guess? I mean. It's more than nothing that's for sure. It's better then the last time I set up void did that whole song and dance and then ended up with a version that I hadn't updated in so long it was no longer updateable. This because something about the static library not being compatible with the new xbps or something and it just straight up not having any download functionality. Couldn't curl. Couldn't fetch. Couldn't do shit. ##2.2 Tue Jul 28 ###2.2.1 Tue Jul 28 00:07:46 AKDT 2020 Ok so I'm, playing with Stormy Gray again today. I try to take her out most night's. At least if she is willing. If she doesn't Come out there isn't anything I can do. So on nights she comes out, I put my hand in as if to create like a little scoop and hold it there She doesn't have to hop on if she doesn't want to. Then I'll take her out, let her climb on me, sit on my shoulder or whatever. If she looks To jump out of my hands I'll look for something in that area that's semi ok for her to play on. I'm a bit more lenient than M, so I just jumped at letting her play on the bed. She could look in the folds of the blankets And climb them. I would put little meal worm treats on top of the hills and stuff. But it's like she mostly is interested in looking for a way out. Right? It's like the corners and sides. She is too skittish to jump from the bed we learned very early on. M had Designed her habitat with a sudden drop in a tube between levels. She for a long time would hardly venture in that tube. She was scared of it. She went in and explored the entrance, Then finally the first room. I had to put treats like fresh pop corn To draw her that far. The fresh aroma of the popped corn filled the Entire tube and it's source was the first room. So yeah, it's probably worth checking out. That's how I thought about it anyway. Got her more or less comfortable with the First half of the tube. But the issue was in the construction. The tube, was just sagging below the horizon in slope. A gentle decline. Then suddenly a vertical drop the equivalent of 2 body lengths into Translucent clean plastic. For several weeks she would go to the drop and look around see if there was some Way she could brace herself against the opposite wall but it was too far to reach without risk of falling. There was nothing in the habitat that she could use to bridge that gap. And she was not going to risk the fall. I saw this problem early on and wanted to change it but it wasn't my project, it was M's. So I mentioned it But wasn't able to force her to redesign. Well after 3 weeks of this prodding and trying to convince Stormy Gray that Indeed that drop was safe for her, and that she wasn't going to fall into an endless abyss, I decided to rebuild the tunnel. Too late it seemed. But it was still a better design. The two + body length descent was put into the long hallways and the drop became a level side to side jog. The hallways were now much steeper, but they had traction flooring and the side to side jog would prevent any trip from Being the full length of the 2 hallways combined. If the climb up was too steep, it also provided a nice safe pitstop The 2 rooms also were level still at much different heights than before. Anyway. After that change it seemed like she was still too stressed from how it was before She didn't like that it changed. She didn't trust it. I feel somewhat obliged to say at this point the structure is Very safe, it's her skittish nature and then our mistakes as architects which caused her to be scared of this tunnel. I believe that. So. I stepped in again. I decided that I would put treats at the bottom she never touched. Eventually I decided to force it. I put treats in the first room, which she was skittish about but the popcorn is strong. Then I sealed the hallway behind her. She had no choice but to go down. There was a whole second habitat the size she already was Using, left untouched. She liked digging and it was like a deep thing full of digging medium. A different kind of wheel, A dark box full of medium to tunnel in. And she didn't even know about it. I wanted her to find it dang it. So she was stuck. For like almost an hour. She clawed at the door. I was growing concerned about 30 minutes in. I had decided that at 1 hour I would probably Have to do something, if she was just staying next to the way back. She knew that's where her home was, where Water was, where her sand box was. (that sand box was a whole different ordeal. That made me wait as long as I did) I was afraid if she didn't go down the tube this time I would be forced to just take her out of the top habitat And put her in the bottom one, and hope that didn't scare her too much. But luckily she did eventually go down into sub basement level 2. She found the worms I placed there. Crunch crunch. She liked the kinda spinning plate "Wheel" that was down there, until one time she ran so fast she flew off the plate When she stopped and she hit the wall. She doesn't do that so much anymore, but sometimes. She for a while spent most of her time down there, but I think that was because the "Purfect pet" cat we had on the top, It made weird clicking noises. And the whole time it was on she stayed down in the bottom. I bring all this up in such detail because at this point, there is all this history with me and Stormy grey. We hang out while M is away. I bring here here to my computer now, and she climbs around. I have taken her upstairs while I was cooking. (just keeping her on my shoulder.) Now don't get me wrong. This isn't exactly like a Simone and Bunta situation (yet) She is constantly climbing around looking for holes trying to climb up my hair, climb down into my dress, Etc. She goes all over the place. And so while for instance I'm "Cooking" I am constantly needing To be aware of where she is on my body and what she is doing. The needle like pin pricks are good info But it doesn't tell me her disposition, just her weight distribution. This might be a bit esoteric way of putting it. I can generally tell what direction she is facing, and Where each foot is placed, but because I don't have a good accurate projection of my geometry It's hard to tell if she might be getting ready to jump. When she is in my hands I can tell. And I can put my other hand in place to Let her "Climb down". I don't know if any of what I'm doing really in the long (or even short term) is good for her or not. I am trying just to make her existence A little less boring than it would be with some kid who puts her in a small cramped box. But I also may be too much trying to introduce her to a skewed reality? Like the world she lives in does not at all Work like "The real world" does for her kind. I have taken her outside (at night) with me. And the sounds she can hear for the first time spooked her it seemed to me. Like I actually was kinda afraid having her on my shoulder out there, Because it would only take a brave owl to swoop down and snatch her and I could do nothing. Swear revenge on "Some owl"? That's not going to bring her back. This didn't happen, but the thoughts were in my mind, and Stormy Gray can't even Imagine such beasts as an owl. Except for some primordial fear of the chirp of a bird sound. She was showing quite The interest in the noises. But interest bred skittishness again, and so I brought her back inside. I have been trying every time she scratches on the wall of the first room to take her out. It's the wall I open to place her back in every time (it's easier for me, and it lets her make the choice To climb out off my hand) She doesn't always scratch at the wall after getting put back in, but she did this time. So I put my hand there after opening The door and took her with me. I didn't really know where to go with her tonight After all this. The bed, the outside, my room, and desk. So I decided to do another thing I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing. But it's a thing I did. I think that M probably wouldn't approve of It. Many reasons why. She is afraid for Stormy's immune system. I am also. She has lived in a quite isolated environment for some time. In fact generationally long as far as her species is concerned. ##2.2.2 an aside about the growing things I have a table with a bunch of house plants. There are a few random things growing there. That's like a few pomegranates, a strawberry (that recently sent out some shoots and multiplied, Which is very nice. I had a ginger root, but there wasn't enough soil for it, and it died. There is some clover I decided to let grow. And I think a kale or two along with 2 mystery plants I found the seeds of outside And decided to try and sprout. So it's a little forest really. They are stacked and close together. Some isolated in "Pots" made of the cut off end of 12 pack of pepsi. The entire area is about waist height in length and 4 times less deep as it is wide. That is to say Much less deep than it is wide. There are 2 high efficiency narrow spectrum grow lights; 3 of them stacked end to end would roughly cover the entirety of The area but as it is the middle section gets far less light. To supplement the growth I also have a mercury vapor ionization bulb which Produces fairly even visible spectrum light. It's not ideal, but along with the narrow Spectrum chlorophyll focused grow lights, and the human rod tuned narrow spectrum (lower power) Bulbs which are generally used in this place it makes the amount of light I'm getting far closer to "Normal" even if the word has lost all meaning all together at this point. The sun along with earth's various iris's filters, etc. is the light humans evolved to see, The limitation of our biology isn't something I fully accept we should limit in our effort to "Improve" technology. Improve in the last sentence should be taken to mean something along the Lines of "Make it easier to make" and "Cost the fewest resources" and "Be imminently replaceable due to design flaws" Implied is the cycle that improvement never ends because we aren't improving towards anything (a better human technology Relationship) we are improving away from something and that has entirely different pattern emerge. The goals were always make a quick buck. TODO switch back to incandescent bulbs (explore UV as potential "Lower energy" improvement) ##2.2.3 Tue Jul 28 03:33:11 AKDT 2020 There is a spider that lives there in that knot of verdant inside stone walls. From where it came, indeed it may have been born in that very place never venturing from the Green, because in that place the fungus gnats grew half her size and a meal was always well in hand Well not so much now. The gnats have quieted in recent days because the hunter knows not her bounds And captured and fed till few, too few remained. This isn't really sad, she does me a service, and I'd like to be able to maintain her strength, Because I don't truly want the fungus gnats to return. I don't know how to communicate with this spider. I don't know if I can supplement it's needs. Might it like v8 juice? A self respecting hunter might not be willing to stoop to level of Accepting vegetarian handouts from some seemingly omnipotent god. Her knowledge of me, is the one who created the world. The one who commands the sky. The one who brings rain. The one who destroys out of hand if spooked at the wrong Time and place. I don't like that this is who I am, but it is. Because regardless of my power to destroy, I am Too aware of their kinds abilities. I have seen them first hand. So it's hard to be too friendly. This innate primal fear isn't just in me, but also in Stormy Gray. In fact maybe a much more pure form of that fear. For her the spider of legend is not so far gone. For her that spider is bigger than her face. I can't imagine for a second she would hesitate. But perhaps her timid nature will win out? She is indeed extremely timid. Very easily spooked. certainty she will be more scared of the spider than the spider of her. But will she seek to hide, or destroy it. Or safe distance and study movements? Assuming she sees it at all until it's on her. Or she on it. She has kinda bad eyesight. Anyway. Spending time in that environment, its probably not the best for her? I'm honestly not terribly sure. It's true that the amount of "Sterilization" her previous environment has undergone is, Quite extreme. And it's potentially been generations since any of her ancestors Were free on open soil. Regardless she looked like she really enjoyed being in the growth, and digging around in the Soil. She dug up the roots of a clover plant (I'm honestly not even 5% sure it's clover, that's Just the closest thing I can think of. I call it the "Crimson and clover" because it keeps Coming over and over. And it's red and green. It sometimes sends up little seed pods that can snap open and fling seeds all over the dang place. Anyway. I have left it growing and I cut it back when it looks like it's over taking the pot it's in And she just started ripping at the roots of it. Chewing different parts of it, and pouching stuff. I don't know if she thought it smelled like good tasty food or if she hated it or just thought It might be good bedding. Regardless I didn't want to expose her to too much new contaminates so I had to take her out. She already Got a lot of soil on her and she had that new plant material in her mouth. So I want to not let her back into that area for a few days to see how she reacts. If there aren't any physical changes it's probably ok to let her back there. I wonder if what I'm doing with her is like Very mean? I think about if I was stormy and I was being prodded in the same way, if I was just someone's hamster And if they were trying to do the same thing with me as I am with her, how that'd look to me? Like what am I to stormy? I want her to be able to see me as a peer. Why is that? Because I feel inadequate about who I am. I suppose. Like this somehow isn't enough. I mean look. All I'm doing is writing for what 3 hours talking about this 20 minute thing And trying to understand every part of it. Every nuance of feeling I felt. Trying to recognize where certain emotions come from and how they are all related. How do people even function by the way? That's a mystery to me. Because this is how I am. And how is this useful. I mean. Maybe if I can fucking control this. Confront every point of my existence that makes me feel Uncomfortable and why I'm uncomfortable with it. If I can do this impossible thing. Then I will know who I am. I will know why I am how I am. To overly reduce my self into "Is a era 2006 era b/tard doomer otaku neet tripolar schizo with ADHD. oh and is trans" That's like a lot of context about /what I am but not like who I am. It's like you've successfully Reduced it to a specific place and time. A context. But that can be read in 10000 different ways. Or rather has been. Many times over. So what do I do. I analyze myself. I observe what I watch and what that makes me think about and why. Why do I do the things I do. Even now this book. Why is it this I'm doing. I have done writing before in times long ago. Is there something there? Is there a part of me at that time And place I want to return to impossibly? Or is it because I started reading a book written by someone who matches 3/4's the self descriptor above And you were like "Well if she can do it so can i." and really what was stopping you to begin with? Nothing at all? No that's not quite it. It was everything actually. The shear hugeness of what it was you really wanted to do. The interconnected nature of it all. It couldn't just be a book of course because A book is so limited in scope. Or if it is a book the form of the book should Take a view that the book's medium is to be explored to it's fullness. Because why do a thing if it's not to be done with motivation. With drive. Passion. What even is a book. Throw out the rule book too. We don't want it to bias our new minted virgin neural network With cultural contamination. A book is physical media rendering capable of being read using only passive components (this Is from a practical basis, not a literal one. For example some energy is consumed from the matter It uses just to exist (decay rate of certain elements) What form it takes should be fit to the content it's delivering. Generally this is a linear Narrative but that's simply fashion of the culture isn't it? Surely a book with binding such that the pages loop if the narrative is structured such That there is neither beginning nor end would still be considered a book. And there Are even examples of non-linear storytelling in many books. Altho the "Passive" limitations Of past media have made this more of a curio rather than a true subspecies. So what would a modern book even look like. I like the physical shape of a small hard bound book. The information density is trash of course ##2.2.4 TODO aside about how physical media like books actually do have high information density actually. That all aside the information the reader is interested in is very limited. Storing the text along with other books and using semi active Passive displays is indeed the closest thing my culture has to a book replacement But these are not book replacements, so much as personal book streaming devices. A book using this method, would be an altogether different beast. Perhaps with only limited copies of it due to the nature. I think the idea of creating trash to be thrown away is, disgusting. It should be the best version of itself I can possibly make. The form should reflect it's nature. Should it be innocuous and simple, perhaps using off the shelf parts? Should it be extravagant and ornate, boasting it's potency? Because this book, would be potent. The book would be almost magical? ##2.2.5 Tue Jul 28 04:23:00 AKDT 2020 Not that the text itself is magical by any means. See that's the thing. The message Is more of a how to, more of a where from, more of a manifesto. Less a users guide, but that too? Magic is pretty subjective. Right? I'm asking because at this point I'm not really sold on this idea, and I'm willing to Sorta half believe it, and half not, but I actually want this issue settled. It's long been claimed that the high level technology of the "Future" would appear no different than Magic to untrained folk. This is obviously true. The inquisitive mind will search out for "How it is done" And if the process to accomplish the thing is saying a spell, or pushing a glowing board with runes In each a grid of stone like protrusions [read keyboard] my mind sees literally no difference. In fact is is such that by pressing these protrusions just so in just the right way, I can make it so I can make light appear from a small rectangular black stone I carry with me literally all the time. This is clearly magic. Or if it's not it's not sufficiently different from magic to matter. Look, in the end processors might work because they happen to create a structure some 6d life form Can lay it's eggs, and our manufacturing process accidentally stumbled on a whole subset of Magic related to turning these 6d life forms into blind obedient slaves. If this turns out to be the Case, well holy fuck how the shitting fuck was I supposed to know that? But I'm open to this being the case, and hoping it's not. I hope it's not because I would feel like shit Using technology that relied on things like that. I feel like shit knowing that that black stone I carry with me was mined using what my culture Would call slavery if it was happening to them. But because that place is so shitty (by comparison using My POV as the metric and actively ignoring any other POV to make this point) their standards are reduced Such that that "Debasement" is a Tuesday. Indeed the human ability to adjust to situation is quite Astonishing. It's almost like humans have a set amount they can individually feel happy in a day, And if they use it all up at one time then it's gone and they don't get any more for the rest of the Day, so that first thing was happy but something that should be more happy wasn't, and that's weird Now I feel kinda sad. That model of mind is unimportant to the issue I was talking about however. My feeling like shit about Using my magic fucking rock doesn't change a god damn thing. Bitching about it doesn't change anything. The only thing that can is a new fucking model of existence to smash through with it's insane ability at just "BEING BETTER" Oh it turns out we don't have to literally make people in other nations lives shit to have good things when We make 1 good device that works instead of 10000 sub par devices that are "Better" than their neighbor. And oh, actually if we just take the food we don't need to places that need extra we can actually feed Everyone. And like it's no problem. And actually we can produce way less individually over all, and still not have much Of a drop in productivity because actually we are wasting like 4 man hours in human effort for every 1 put in easy Just doing the same fucking things over and over again. But people need to keep busy right? You all need to keep fucking busy. Can't stop working, then you might start thinking . But regardless of that meander, technology is functionally magic for every sense of the word magic I can muster. It essentially uses the consistent inconsistencies in the primal components of the universe to Make things with complex organized repeatable behaviour. The scale this is occurring at is on the order of 10s to 100s of atoms. Atoms being the smallest shared structure organization among esoteric base energies. Chemical reactions are in this respect simply emergent technology then right? On the scale of single atom units? I don't really see the difference right? And indeed thinking about it, I can't really say I think it's not technology. By that reading then clearly the reproductive process of the human organism is an insane open source technology project right? But humans are keeping themselves out of this development process for some reason When the source for asexual reproduction hit, there were those who got on it right? Just a fuckin party. Didn't know the consequences of that did we? I mean, we have to talk about it right. It's All our heritage. We are all clones of clones, from millions of years ago. Just trying to get smarter next time to not quite Repeat the same mistake as last time. Do we give up or keep going? Which is the mistake? At what point is it a mistake. I only think it can be clearly labeled a mistake when it can be recognized as such right? Or is it that the mistake when when it was made in the first place regardless of ignorance. I can see the appeal to that. But from the perspective of the person making the mistake. I have made countless mistakes and continue to make innumerable mistakes on a second to second basis. Some are minor some are very large. Some things that appear to be mistakes May in fact not have been and something that were don't look to be. Or maybe even all that Is false because I still don't know how everything is going to end. It's nothing new of course this is all distilled from Plato through Kant into Diginee and beyond. It may have been a mistake at the time. But not knowing everything I persisted hoping it would Work. Hoping it was the right choice. And I still don't know. I don't. I am doing my best, and if that's not good enough you want to drive for me? Being raised in a Christian household (subject to as "Christian" as "Mormonism (subject to as "Belonging to the church of Jesus Christ of Later-day Saints" is legally allowed to be called "Mormonism")" is legally allowed to be called "Christian). Today is apparently a day of "Baptism" Kievan Rus. Сложно. Because I wasn't raised in the Orthodox faith, certainly not eastern orthodox. But that's my ex's culture. It's a day my daughter probably celebrates in some form. When Mormonism went to Ukraine it was not that long ago. We are now just seeing the first wave generation of children raised in this new mormonxukraine hybrid system The converts clearly had their own traditions, and as ambassadors to that area and cognizant of Local customs we allowed the persistence of various local region ideas. They were some points of Contention on occasion, but generally as the doctrine is the doctrine and the rest is window dressing, it's Hard police, emotionally. Things like Linger-longers have long since died out in "Main stream" Mormonism, however in small Branches even in the united states they persist. This makes sense, the us against the world kind of community Crafted by a persecution complex ingrained by a doctrine that teaches that if people hate you it's because You are being more righteous than them. The problems of this way of thinking to me are quite self evident. It's possible to allow that hate to become a gauge of your own righteousness. It's not a good metric, But with that ideology it can indeed it often will feel right. The Christianization of Kievan Rus took place in several stages (you don't say) 867 the grapevine heard a king was interested genuinely in the teachings of the church. But this didn't change the pagan beliefs at that time. In 988 Vladimir the great was baptized then baptized the whole dang town of Kiev. (what theatrics) So according to tradition in eastern orthodox Andrew is actually the cool apostle. Not John nigga Andrew. See cuz he was the one who first wandered in this Slavic region. That's Belarus Russia Ukraine brah. Apparently he was all in that black sea like who knows what. Or some shit. See why do I gotta approach that topic all white wannabe hood ##2.2.6 light a bolt. This feels like I don't know why I'm doing what I'm doing. It feels like this idea isn't mine. It feels like doing this isn't really my idea. Like someone else had it and gave it to me because I could use it Because it's inside bounds. Because it's a ball I can hit and a ball I want to hit. And if I am questioned on it, I have decades old proof of status in this sphere. There is notoriety there too. The past is a lie what is real is what's recorded. By that logic, I am lain. I made step files. The end. What a good file would look like. It's be more popular with the kids tho. There's only one problem, lain made stepfiles, not lain. I should have corrected this person. And said. That's not me! That's some other lain. I am well known for other things. A hyper focus that let me place incredibly high in a day long marathon for example. Also that botting debacle. It lends credibility to itself and to me. But I am still not lain. Lain said to lain. But there's no functional difference. Was the famous lain stepfile artist Even one person to begin with? And it's not like you didn't make step files. You did more than dabble. You created your own dance pad with tin foil shoes Because you didn't know a better way of creating the contact between the coils. Coils taped onto a warped wooden board that was loud as fuck when used. O m g that is fucking cringe. But it's totally true. You just didn't broad cast that to the internet because you had Dial up at the time, and youtube wasn't even a thing yet. But it's true, and I don't really care about letting you know about it. Because it's a choice I made. And I used that pad and I did make step files by recording my steps then mixing it around a bit. But I was an FFR player. Because I didn't have a proper setup. We had rock band which I also loved, but DDR I really only ever played a few times. But each time to near exhaustion. You know that dream where it's like "When I'm rich I'll have this thing I always wanted. For me that was this dance pad. Some serious high tier loot this thing. Constructed by an artisan. And I want to originally get 2 of them and build like a proper DDR cabinet for solo and for doubles (and In the groove would work as well but I up to now have never been an in the groove player.) I bought this pad I have to use. It's very nice. Almost too nice you know? But it's been this issue of me feeling like I can't use it when I want to. Because I'm fat. Because I'm ugly, And it won't look good, and all this stuff. There are lots of different ways I've tried it but I don't want to like make noise. I am fatally considerate about Making too much noise it seems. ###TODO I think I need to take some time for Jalae music blaring through the house. And it's been like 3 years since I bought this dang pad and I haven't used it. I want to dance to Richard Simmons and get rid of all this fat on me. And I haven't. See there's the thing. I say something like ^ up there then I immediately am like Well why not broad cast that. Or something then in the very next moment on twitter type: TW: descriptive joke amounting to "We have created a culture where the top YT stars Amount to n*sync without any accountability" Where else are they going to be able to stand on a box and do a little dance And have all the kids they want climb into their arms? See this kind of thing makes me think that while accepting I may have pedophilic tendencies I should watch behaviour like this. But I feel like I shouldn't have to. It's not brought up under normal circumstance. But It is for men, and it is for trans women, especially in some places, and Who knows maybe there is some amount of sanity to that. I don't know. I don't know anything. ##2.3 Wed Jul 29 ###2.3.1 Wed Jul 29 04:31:59 AKDT 2020 - the divide between my technology and me I have been on this kind of spirit quest for the past couple years. It's a quest for myself. A quest to find myself and really be me. Through all that time what have I been able to give up, and what haven't I and why is that. What things have fought tooth and nail to survive in me And what has given up and died, or drifted away tells me which things Are of me by me and for me and which things are window dressing, or my Environment. Ignoring any talk about the human greater consciousness For the moment. I exist. This self. It's present. Even when silent, which is rare. Ego death as nice as it was, was Only a temporary cope. One productive and useful to the common good, But it wasn't my natural state. The cope falters and lains are born. Now this lain that I am is looking at all the doll faced dups and all The outside, the inside, the whole world and at what place do you Draw that line? Between you, and not you? It's easy to feel kinship with the earth itself. But am I the earth? Am I an earth? What dreams do bacteria dream? I know I have said this before time and time again, it is not new. It's new to me I have been in the experience of it now for the first time, for over 2 years. In the before times was the ego death. That sensation of limited response. Directly correlating with the sum value of the environment. Fluid in nature not often punctuated by sudden shifts. For me it was clear, become a as a mechanical puppet. As few functions as possible. In order to facilitate reuse of certain functionality, A base set of functionality was created EGO, along with modular functionality Bundles (like religion, or Patriotic, or Family) were also created, which Could be swapped or combined to create hot swappable easy to operate puppet Regardless of what environment it found itself in. Be that a wedding of Religious(catholic) or secular(east Asian) type. These modules are crude. They do not possess for instance information regarding The specific form of eastern orthodox Christianity taught in some small local region. To create more specific cultural a shared collected ego is created Created use cases for each environment for each environment I found myself in. We are judged based on even what we do when we are alone?!!? That too. What is alone tho? Now I as at the physical level. That's always the thought See, if god did exist, (or if you want to believe it this way, If It is a simulation, having some kind of metrics on it is certainly sane. If I were to, I don't know, create an ai ant farm and have them interact on Twitter, using likes, retweets, follows and such as metrics might, Sound like a good idea. One that would be easy to do. The numbers are there The ai's would certainly have access to this info and use it themselves. Here they can even have the charts and stuff I make for visual input. This will let them have more to go on This can extend into my entire relationship with nation, culture religion, family, etc. Technology, and math, and all of the western school system Belonged on that ###2.3.2 Wed Jul 29 11:37:36 AKDT 2020 Holy shit I'm addicted to twitter. I need to stop fucking scrolling through it all the fucking time As I turn to my phone to pick it up. People think I'm an attention whore, but the real Whore is the phone. It will show me anything if it means I will look at It just a little more. ##2.4 Thu Jul 30 ###2.4.1 Thu Jul 30 09:59:04 AKDT 2020 This video by Luke Smith "Should python feel bad for being a slow language" He's talking about how the process for converting intention from the user into Actions on the computer is pretty interesting. In a sense that's what this Whole "Experiment" with the emacs as wm hyper minimal setup is about. I'm trying to make the difference between myself and the computer as small as possible. The argument for python in this regard is that yes, it may be slower but that slowness is Partially the conversion from intent to machine language. Some conversion is needed obviously. Some amount of it is done on the users end In learning programming language conventions. It's a middleware users Picked to make the conversion simpler, so to have a good interface a lot of performance Can be given up. But it's important to know how much you are giving up I think. And how much you are gaining by doing that right? Like for instance, if I'm generating a Mandelbrot set visualizer, I could use python or C As he describes in the video. And c is 2 seconds and python is 4 minutes. But shouldn't A good interface be expressive and still have like good results? Fuck it. Lets see this shit. Do my own implementation here. I want to see how Elisp (or a better "Inferior lisp" does this compared to C. I have previously implemented the Mandelbrot set in C I guess I can get that later I think clearly I need to better organize the way I'm having my thoughts And intentions for directing them. At some points translation is needed Obviously. Like it's hard to translate this stuff into English. And maybe There is some of the source of the unsettlingness of this whole thing Like it's not like I'm good at recording these feelings like this either. It would be nice to have a way of expressing this such that, it's More easily heard. Python is slow but it's able to speak to people who Otherwise wouldn't be able to program at all That's something praise worthy. I know lots of artist use python because it's quick and easy to Throw together a neat visualizer for something, or explore some mathematical concept Doing the same with C is possible sure and it'd be fast. But nothing beats Import thething And then connect the dots and bam. It's a little more than that but honestly not much more. The idea of python always felt like a giant duct tape covered hack. ###2.4.2 TODO find Mandelbrot implementation Mandel (iterations Diverge) Z : I r (defun isquare (i r) ( add (times I I ) (times I r 2) (times r r))) ( F (Z) Z = (squared (Z) + C) It's the set of F of C (Z) = Z*Z + C If iterated from z = 0 2.4.3 Thu Jul 30 11:59:15 AKDT 2020 Organizing this file. Creating some new hierarchy for specific dates. Going to do some editing in a bit. I want to get in the habit of going over what I have written and editing what's there. Changing the phrasing to better arrive at what I'm trying to communicate. Sometimes the words I use really don't even get the point across even from my own perspective let alone the Outside observer's perspective. That is abundantly clear from yesterdays little outburst. My insides screaming trying to convey things, that my words could only approach this single Thought through multiple paragraphs of prose and metaphor. Of course the meaning the feeling The urgency of that moment, what? 3 seconds of intense feeling, and then 20 minutes of unpacking? But pretty much everything I write is that same process to greater or lesser extent. Do you like this version of me? Better or worse than yesterday? Of course the me of Yesterday experienced by you isn't even based on thing the me that yesterday produced because it Will have been edited by the me of today or tomorrow before it arrives to you. Oh wait. I never got my old config going yet! .. Why did I do that? Lrwxrwxrwx 1 jalae jalae 1 Jul 29 10:21 I mean yeah, sure it's not wrong. But also... Why? I don't think I did that. But regardless of if I did it wasn't on purpose God damn I'm constantly hungry. It's annoying. It's not that I'm hungry. Its just that I want to eat. I don't Know where it comes from tho. Like why that need to feed as it were comes at some times To like just torture me it feels like. Like my body is just tired and bored so it is like give me something to do. Just chill you don't need to be active all the time. I only really need one meal a day Right? I can get by with that. But maybe my stomach prefers to have more meals than that. But I feel like the stomach is just a device for digesting my food. Is that incorrect? ##2.5 Fri Jul 31 ###2.5.1 I don't know I can't sleep. I don't feel like being productive. So I'm here. I spent most of the night trying to set up dwm In order to put emacs inside of. This will let me run other applications. I probably could just get all the stuff to run literally inside emacs in Some way but I don't particularly care to do the work that is necessary to get That to work. Getting dwm working here hasn't been like completely smooth sailing But it's probably going to be less work in the long run. I don't know. It sort of feels like a defeat to some extent. I'm so tired. Everything is just so. Bleh. Like why do I need to feel this way? Listening to enya, and I can see the same shit I'm writing about and Trying to express all over her music. Pilgrim is like a perfect example. Like she wrapped up the perpetual state of wander/exploring the self And trying to find purpose in life. The thing that makes enya enya isn't that message of course. That message Is what makes enya an artist. The rest is just aesthetics. Do I want diginee yelling about being broken and not knowing who the fuck She is? Or do I want enya frolicking around the ideas of magic we forgot and Are constantly trying to recapture? It's all the same shit. If I need to feel this way Then I guess I have to. There must be a reason for the swelling motions doesn't there? TODO figure out how to add tags to org sections ##2.6 Sat Aug 01 ###2.6.1 Sat Aug 1 18:48:10 AKDT 2020 Talking org So C-c ! is supposed to insert the "Time stamp" but actually it's just the date. A date isn't a time stamp. And to call it a time stamp like upsets me. But apparently you are supposed to convert the format such that it becomes an actual time stamp By hitting ! again? It said do it twice in the documentation Doing the ! twice saying there's no diary file defined. Whatever that means. Doing the whole command twice either updates the "Time stamp" or creates a range. Neither of these behaviour are what I want. I want to add the fuckin output from 'date' To the fucking buffer. That's it. That's not difficult. (i want to to be date so that once my date is changed I can get a nice epoch change in this file From one day to the next just for nice thematics) We have browser working on here now. Which is nice. I don't have to use the small screen on My standalone device. Looking into some kind of org -> html workflow for managing my webpage and doing markup here And then being able to put it into my site directly. There is a simple but naive solution of using the org export to html function (C-c C-e) This is not ideal because it just does the one org file that's open, first of all. There apparently is a decent way of creating an "Org project" and then using ox publish To publish the entire project in one go. This might be the better way of doing it. The problem is most of the people using this are doing it for things like blogs. While a blog this might be in practice, as far as aesthetics are concerned I don't Want it bearing any resemblance to a "Blog". I don't want author name. I don't want dates, I don't want comments. I want text in front of a fixed background image. I want to define that image in the text of the org doc. That doesn't sound impossible. But it means learning a bit about how the hell org does it's conversion to html And adding in a new section (probably, I honestly don't have a clue). I'm currently operating in this ecosystem I've created at about what? 5 understanding? And it's like kinda frustrating because I want to spend time and get fluent in this sphere Before adding more to it. I don't want to create a tower of duct tape and such. Getting things done You know I probably get less done in a week than most people get done in a day? I think this is probably true. Take a look at what I've done this past week. Ok never mind. I definitely have done a decent amount this past week. At least by my standard. Like technically I think I could have probably done this amount of "Work" in a day back like In my Adderall days. But I wouldn't have been able to cover the breadth of ideas I have covered. Not that there is any kind of benefit to having talked the gamut from being lain but not being Lain. To talking org, to python being slow, etc. Eh. I'm only an expert at being me. Everything else is child's play. Regardless of the pointlessness of this place and this act, I still want to do this. I still want to create a monument to my own confusion fear and loneliness. Maybe I want to build it up so I can tear it down. So I can have sweet release. Or so that it can fade into the dark and see the world is the better for it? There's lots of things. But what makes this any different from output from GPT-3? Would an ai say "Nigger nigger nigger nigger nigger nigger nigger I'm 100% nigger." No I don't think it would. It'd say "Nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga I'm 200% nigga" I think it's pretty obvious but I'm going to clear up why I think that's the case for the Back of the class. It's not that GPT-3 is less capable of racism than me. It's that gpt-3 Can only say things it's seen the constructs of before, and for it to make the leap of having Seen nigga repeated 7 times followed by 00% it would never think to replace the a with er. This may change if this page is ever linked to by reddit and is then included in gpt-4 or something. Is this shit pointless? Talking about the perceived limitations of a language model in relation to My own limitations? (oh that's what you were doing?) Back to org So this webpage on looking at how to org-publish a blog as I was talking about before. It's not like it's terribly complicated but I can't help but wonder sometimes. Like for example: .PHONY: all publish publish_no_init All: publish Publish: publish.el @echo "Publishing... With current Emacs configurations." Emacs --batch --load publish.el --funcall org-publish-all Publish_no_init: publish.el @echo "Publishing... With --no-init." Emacs --batch --no-init --load publish.el --funcall org-publish-all Clean: @echo "Cleaning up.." @rm -rvf *.elc @rm -rvf public @rm -rvf ~/.org-timestamps/* Like I can understand the idea of having a makefile for a website. Make is nice. Well. Nice ish. I guess it's fine. Uh. Like I want to complain but really most people will like that they can use The same notation for their website as they use for real software. The no-init option is nice for lots of emacsers(even if they are less likely to want to use make in the first Place) as they tend to have very large configs that are totally unneeded for this specific task. Just use M-x org-publish-all How is it I can be doing this for less than an hour and get so fucking tired? Like omg I just copied The contents of a freaking document and sperged out about nonsense for a bit. Wtf. ##2.7 Tue Aug 11 ###2.7.1 08:39:40 AKDT 2020 I guess it's been a while. Huh. Things are moving in interesting directions But I guess it's hard to interface with on here at the moment. It's all occurring irl. There are videos, doing it on my phone. So the journaling exist, it's just a different format. TODO integration of file systems (peer - peer ) relationship ( phone - desktop - tablet ) Multiple domains, cities within nations. MEMO with regard to limited scope devices? What constitutes device, what constitutes limitation? These are all bias. Inboard tendency to physical material world. Hard to overcome. Each mode of interface is a different context. There is a context switch that Occurs and then the next kind of context etc. The chains of these interconnections Vary but because we are egotistic physical temporally aligned narcissist The context shares viewing self content. Often multiple times. Kinda gross incestuous eating your own dog food. Trigger moment, shared across many parallel lines because it came from Outside force. The vacation. Parameter shifting prior to vacation caused a tipping of scales toward going spillover Towards physical activity. Manic cycle in absence of supervision 2 week anime makeover 2 week weeaboo transformation Fortnight otaku camp Fortnight trap tap 14 crescent moons August I'll make some videos Omg that name. I guess I'll make lol Yes. It was chosen by the committee - the coalition of 8 time lines Hey I thought that they have disbanded. Are you sure about that? It's Takarabune now right? Jun Lai left the group for some reason Unrestored things can't be restored or unreunrestored I suppose for some reason. Message passing between virtualization layers? Different context, different rules. Ironic your quest to clean up the sludge in software given that context, (for a moment) Knowing that our way is better is only as good as this Otaku can go on and on about how brotherhood this, and otaku love and anime pride What do thy slllk?s suefnisngt asdft932 Hey. Look. There are so many different roads man. Pick one stay in a lane. Follow me and read my thread of 30 tips how to be better at managing your twitter Here's what new artists all need to do. Go here do that. Do this What the fuck are yo guys talking about. So fucking weird. I don't know where your road goes, from here, I don't know how long or where or why. Or anything ? Causality is ? Oh hey there, I just finished the 14 day emulate jalainIx(void install) challenge. And holy fuck what a horrible fucking experience. Look while she is having this running and learning the body, and all that. I'm going to be here connected, running this shell.? There was a sound upstairs. I am not really sure. Anyway. Things diverge. You need the body work over because this context is likely still to exist Within that path. From here this branch can improve and hopefully by the time you get back here To this context things will have changed on the tech front. August I'll make some videos I AM ANIME edition It's not like anyone is ever going to take you seriously ever again right It's not like people understand anything anyway, so all these Pussy footed half attempts at reconciliation just to kind of I don't know Allow them to have some power over you. Why keep the body? Why keep the flesh? Aren't these ideas these concepts utterly useless to your true nature? You can't be kept down to something so. Material. So physical. It's just holding you down. Suicide is a poor option So biointerfacing is the way. Neural implant tech is on the foreseeable future. But knowing the corporation controversy there you don't expect you'll ever get it. You'll mock the mules willing to throw themselves down for the tech tho won't you. Those first customers? No, no guinea pigs. We don't know how long term implant Neural linking is going to work. There's no fucking way you are sticking that Shit in your fucking brain at least until any potential zombification bugs get worked out Look it's the real fucking world here, and the bandwidth of the brain is like Way fucking higher than you are going to get with sticking fucking needles in your brain anyway. Way you see it the natural order is composed of various elements in constant predicable Patterns of contention, opposition and attraction. This is true on small scales And on large ones. The human organism is a single thing of this there is no doubt. As such the Prototypical ideal of the human is something that should have, some kind Of high bandwidth input and output. We aren't talking about the In reality human interface you remind yourself. We are talking ideal. What form the high bandwidth human to human link looks like is. Visualizing the vast methods of inputting text. Clearly this Physical interface is just getting in the way. There is loss in the nuance the weight the distance of the keys, and indeed the Very act of moving the fingers, all of this dead weight, in the chain of representations There is no reason of course for all the superfluous screens, or any of that. It's hard to stay in that mind frame. Things like that, it hurts on some fucking thread and it Comes back to me. It hurts. Sometimes it's just like a twinge at my shoulder, or A pull in my calf. Little signals from other worlds little tears and scars and pain And knowing it's just too fucked up and there's nothing I can do about it. How am I supposed to "Get better" how am I supposed to be fucking normal like this. What Are people going to think. The echoes of all these thoughts, get fucking thrown at me By calling the physical embodiment of the time spent fucking earning my stripes at programming At coding. And yeah, it's not like I am good at it now, but motherfucker, the treads that bind are are physical. I know it's hard to say stuff like this even if it's a joke. On some level Word smithing that kind of joke creates the potential realities in some abstract form where The joke is real after all. Ethics would bind us forever with this. What's more is the treat is indeed real. Becoming a Hero indeed creates a vi lain. These kinds of thoughts can will and have crumbled many minds. For those brief moments, There are entire universes of disaster and pain. Engaging with that kind of pain Directly. Intentionally. That can be helpful isn't it so? It just makes me sad. Like something simple like a bracelet, it can anchor you. It can Bring you back to a place where you need to be. Because that's where the bracelet is, so that's Where you have too be too. Yeah that's pretty well put. I might have to use that in the story. Well something like that Was bound to happen because it's true, at the very least tracking the true state of an object can show You where the object's view highlights tracks from but you know, what's significant about The "True location perspective" of a bunch of dirt. No ones done it. No ones done it? To do so would take incredible amount effort But like what if. Fuck. We need to run those tests. Samples from all over. Shit Wait fuck. God. Interesting result. Hello. Um how is this happening now? Because that's what was supposed to have happened. Remember the dirt. (i hope the reader is keeping up) Oh fuck that hurts. You saw those points just now right? Those are the true points of location for the dirt that will Have directly resulted from your order carried in the most expected way, with your hands off, having Been brought here (when varies). Let me get this straight. I just got kinda mind fucked on the way down I think. I made a choice that would result in several samples of soil to be selected and moved Correct. The immediate chain of consequence of wanting to sample a bunch of dirt, To know it's true location. You already know your error What if all the soil has the attribute that where it most wants to be is exactly where it is. This would tell you nothing Indeed, moreover it changes the reality of the universe in a specific measurable way, that is unique to the time and the initial conditions for that moment, if it happened in a different day, if it was different locations picked it will be soil from different places, but all with similar physical locations because of the testing, which strips them of all original context and Would treat all of infinite samples with likely the same exact margin conditions. That is you now. The person who was just a person now sees themselves the cloud of soil samples, the shadow the places The nooks and the crannies a grain here a grain there, in bricks, in various places, where your samples Are not. No one said they would be picked with such. Random nonsense rules as you suggest. They can be picked, engineered and tracked through space and time. That is why you are here. Your selection of specs of dirt. Are the ones responsible for disaster. What do you think? It goes off the rails. Really? Off the rails? That's the best "Insult" you got? Ok what do you want from me. It's incoherent nonsense no one is gunna follow it or want to read it It's fuckin trash with a capital T. My legs constantly want to be moving and I don't know how to deal with it. If they have their way I might need to turn the elliptical into a work space. Running just to be moving would be too fucking boring for the hours I apparently need it. Editing on a tablet while running tho. that might be hot. The bouncing makes it hard. That machine also feels small on me. Like it's for people who are like a full 30 cm shorter than me. Am I that tall? 2.7.2 20:22:35 AKDT 2020 My whole body is in pain. This is the least comfortable I have been the longest I think No that back pain was worse, but this is bad. This is the pain of being old it almost feels like. The hope is I continue to do this to my body, and my body improves. My body improves it hurts less. It hurts less I try harder. That's the way up. Keep the pain I'm feeling from the pain of working hard alive. Know that I did shit because I'm still breathless from last having done shit. If that means I'm still breathless about a video awesome. Or if I'm still breathless from running 3 miles on a machine so be it. Doing all these things at once. It's like which part is it I love? I love the entire process. I love coming up with ideas for videos and scripts. But there's not enough time to Spend forever on scripts because then nothing would ever get done. And I feel like If I put in some effort to a script I'd do a decent job just with all the tangential Practice I have in writing already. I'd just have to actually do it. I'm not bothering with any such thing at the moment. There is a future me who is most aware of how little I'm bothering in this regard. Like it's a nice thing some how that this has a time code, because that at least provides (some) Kind of context to order, and sequence. That's the thing I decided to get rid of. I am building a thing in no order. I'm just literally focusing on the highlight moments I want to hit The parts I'm most interested in right now. The parts that are touching me at this time. M purchased an upgrade a few days ago. On a whim it seemed she saw my old tablet and liked the form Factor. I too love a good size tablet. Something portable, but with enough screen space to get some Serious work done. She asked me opinion, told me 500$ as a limit. My philosophy on purchases like this are to do it right The first time. I have been burned so many times by shitty shit that's would have just been so much better If I did it right the first time. My previous context with tablets breaks down at 300ish range being likely Where the best option would lie as tablet market is strangely situated between being children's toy, NetflIx and New York times machine. But I'm not interested in how other people view this. Something with a stylus I knew it had to be. I had been using my note phone and loved having a good Active pen. I like to etch runes and evoke chaos magic from time to time and doing so with a nice Pointer tool is paramount. Among pen tablets there are two ways to go, tablet/laptop hybrid, running Like windows 10 or tablet primary devices running android. We don't speak about apple. What? Nvmind Android ecosystem has better handle on formfactor I feel. So we got a tablet for 400ish. Previous generation Top of the line. I am kinda guilty of priming her to get this device over any others. I felt it met her criteria perfectly. It was a good purchase because it was seeing price reduction From the new model. Knowing she would be happy with this purchase but she could also be happy with Something lesser, I didn't want to take the chance she would pick something lessor. I did spend some Time looking for variations. The older older version for instance came with a passive pen. This was likely fine for her, but I knew I wanted active for what I desired. There were Numerous other small things I didn't much like about the old model. There were others as well 3rd party devices of poor design language. There was also a lack of pens. It seems Most tablets are compatible with an extended echo location pointer device addon not designed with A pen in mind. So I presented the items in an order that I knew would cause her to go a specific way With it. Is it bad? I told her that's what I did as I was doing it and she said that she knows my Goals are aligned in this regard so if I felt I needed to subtlety program her then that was Appropriate. It is so strange. The tablet is plenty for what I'm doing. Most changes in software (obsolescence) Can be avoided. Worst case by going third party software. But within garden walls previous generation Isn't a problem. It's got high quality large display. Magazine sized almost. Doing any kind of music creation on there should be nice. Video editing likewise. I do wonder if there's better ways to change the interface for that formfactor. Apps should almost Be designed like magazines I feel like. Each page unique and bold but thematically consistent. It'd be nice. Anyway. I need to go hurt myself more. It's the only way to grow. There's just not enough time. 2.8 Wed Aug 12 2.8.1 16:12:04 AKDT 2020 Exhausted. I am attempting to do a thing as fully as I can. That thing is made up of all the things I want the future me to be able to do. Or at least a working subset. I am doing this "Being future me" with a ferocity that I haven't really used very often. That late night bender hours before the term paper is due. The one I hadn't started The one that was the culmination of 6 other writing assignments, that oh I never even did the Reading for yet. Oh that assignment? That drive? The drive that says, a C is fine but I'm going to Fail with a 20% if I do nothing. That drive that makes those 6 papers emerge from the substr8 of the source material by reading no, skimming the source texts. 30 page stories become 2 page experience pieces analyzing the depth of emotions, the stories, the direction, the metaphors since short on time go big small big small. Alternate it. We need to do both on that final term paper after all. We can bring in new insights. But I need not be samey on all these papers. They need to feel written at different times, not all in the current moment the continuous now. But that's where it is. That is where I currently live. The continuous now. The ferocity that makes words appear on the page. That makes fingers type with abandon, And up till the last minute editing that final paper. 25 pages of papers in a single night. Final edit is well within form and reason. My artistic interpretation, metaphor identification and analysis both are high enough to ensure a passing grade on any level of grammar or simple flub. Ended the class with an 80% the teacher docked me points for being late on the old papers, Some paper thin excuse, she knew I think that I did it all recently, perhaps over the last few days. I wonder if it would be more or less impressive to know that they were written entirely along with all the reading for the class in the last 10 hours before turning them in. That ferocity that makes those around you, like those who the day before knew you had nothing written That knew you were treating it like a trivial thing. That struggled to link words even one after another shake with frustration at the obvious potential squandered. And up to class they ask. Oh did you finish? Or is it not done yet. "Yeah it's done, it was easy" and then you swap papers, theirs is robotic. Cold and utterly childish. There isn't really any heart there to speak of. Your writing can't be without it's heart you know. There was no time to wrap that up in formulaic prose and overly burnt Quadruple digested synopsis. No it was the raw fever dream of newtype instinct running at 6 processes simultaneous. "You wrote this all last night? When did you do the reading" "As I wrote it. Well the first paragraph was written last. About a third through the pages I saw the whole plot, and my paper within it. I just skimmed forward through the paper to validate that future" Do you really talk like this? No but we think like this, and more importantly clearly act like this. The insult to this result isn't even the "Potential that is wasted" The capitalist fetish of production surely is blue balled by my existence. Imagining other worlds where that beautiful energy could be harvested and utilized for it's ends. No that's hardly the insult, if anything that's the strawberry irony that makes it all bearable. The irony is this method is clearly less work. The lack of distraction the natural inbuilt chemical cocktail granting super focus cuts all the inefficiency. It's less time. It's less effort. It's more fun. And the result was a better grade on each and every paper turned in. It's that kind of ferocity I am directing toward my body. I am finding it in different places, and I am using it from each of these sources in turn. O2 use? Use it beyond it's limits. Like there's no time. Like this is the last time I'll ever be able to use it again. Exercise? We never have done it before, and we need to teach our body each muscle and fiber the meaning of pain. The lesson of pain. In ways it's never experienced. Relaxing? As feverish and aggressively pamper myself with scented oils, massage, stretching. Becoming both the queen who is worthy of all the effort to make her relaxed and also the servant to that queen who is willing to show her love for her master with every effort of each muscle untightened. The permutations of this dynamic this aggression can't out burn itself if managed properly because we don't burn to the ground. We move from place to place. Take the top 20% then move along. Do it again. Keep getting better. Keep getting better. Be better empirically. Be better objectively. Run faster. Bend farther. Lift heavier longer. Write more. With better words. Be more coherent. Record more video. Edit more video. Post more video. Consume what I make. In different context. Be that queen watching my video. What can I do to make it serve her better. What is it she wants? What is it the writer wants? What is it the narrator wants. So on. So on. See it. Like it. Want it. Got it. That's the mantra from this world. One that has stuck. This place doesn't respect those who can't decide what they want and grab it. It's so difficult when the only thing you want is to be yourself. Above anything to thyself be true. What does Jalae look like as a reality? How do I make myself into an exemplar, an avatar of that reality? Because that me, isn't shy, because she is confident. She is strong. That was the mistake yesterday. The me as force of nature would never stoop to cover herself in embarrassment. She wouldn't even really see those as things that can even comprehend her. Miscommunication? What is there to fear, some traditions of long dead dead beats whose ideas were bad when they were new and never even got any better? I think we can fairly confidently say, from this frame, within this context, one thing that makes me me is that we aren't supposed to care, time for some new shitty ideas that aren't that good now, and likely will only get better, but are starting from a new context having learned more. It's gotta be better than what's happened previous. I don't know if this is better to you. You can be the judge. The idea is to explore this space as I like to. As I want to. In the manner that seems most naturally. To do so with focus and intent. To dig into this idea to wrap myself around it. To convey it. Can you feel it? Is this better? Sure I know it's likely not much better, than yesterday or the day before. Or several weeks ago. But there is a difference here. I am not distracted. The typing is nearly constant. Because maybe it's been so "Long" since I was writing last. Because I know when I'm done here I have a million other things I need to be doing and be writing I can stay here. In this moment in a sea of moments. I'm channeling the me that Writes. The me from all those other mes that live in the cloud of me-ness. I'm the bridge between those words and this entry is the substance of that connection. The level we feel this connection varies. But most of us will feel it at about a 30% sure it's really alternate mes in alternate time lines who are aligned enough with this core me to be called me in the First place. There are mes who aren't me. Possibly you for instance. But thinking about it from this perspective if you are reading this. And if you understand. If it resonates with you. Then it's likely that we have the same roots. My walk down my roots, then becomes highlights to your roots. I think we could keep going but I'm going to stop now. I need to get better at this so I'm going to give myself some things to think about. What do I want this writing time to be? Figuring out if it's to be just a journal, or a book, or, whatever. It needs a medium (site) oh right. Nonplanar multimedium thought expressions without respect to temporal projections except as is limited by the fabric of creation. Ok so if I want to take a day to make my writing a script for a video as part of this. Or as a web page. Or as an explanation of some technology, religion or whatever. It's all above board. I need to get better at all these things too. There are mes who are better at all this stuff, and tapping into that would be nice. But we need to work our way there. Right now, this is in my opinion better. It's faster it's focused more. And when I'm done and my brain feels like it's generated the last permutation that same point. When my brain is tired and doesn't know where to go. That's when I with my new manner of thinking need to push it just that little further. If I wrote how I was running how would that look. Pushing that little bit further. I called it that same ferocity that drove me, but is that correct. If it was then they would look more similar in effect right? Well I don't know it's less effect and more intent. With the running the idea is to get to a point where maintenance mode is 22 minutes or so This is because the idea of maximally stressing the body for a short period to get the maintenance work in is bearable if we know it's quite finite. Is it possible then to make a body of writing to power through some 14 day bender of writing glut to have a body of writing that takes 22 minutes of maintenance per day to preserve? This might actually be some what accurate. But I'm not sold. For writing there are also other tasks. How much of that task is in the editing. The reading and rereading. Ideally the words would form and be formed such that little in the way of formatting was needed, this can be stylistic of course. But more importantly I never Really saw the point for like proper capitalization. Like it makes it easier to see the start of a sentence? I suppose that's useful? Does it really make it easier to read? I need to get the reader here in some way. I need to make it easy and fun to fix my trash. I need to make words that are fun to record. Saying something is like beyond foundational. It's the quantum foam of the writing I want to write. But what's the point if the act of the writing isn't Interesting? If the flex from datum to symbol and symbol to engram doesn't have style or class the truth doesn't matter. Because no truths ever mattered. It feels like this is why so many turn toward rap and slam poetry. It's fun to write. It's fun to hear. It has style. What is my style? Redux The welling in the throat. Hunger. Not of food. Not of meat. Not of flesh. Hunger. -thoughts of 'drive' 'ambition' 'tenacity'- No these are little things colored green with envy, or red with blood of innocent. This hunger is self serving. It wants more simply to have it. Level up, simply because you know it can be done. Or at least it's suspected. If I have to have an ego death to do it? If I have to become a federation of self to do it? Why shouldn't i. The ideal outward form is federated, so why shouldn't the inner form. Federate. Have your niche. It's not just about ability and time. It's about depth of realization. We don't need to conceptualize ourselves as different people just to make more sense of it. Doing so makes it so that we can be better at being each of those different aspects. No single aspect needs To understand everything. We can observe it all, and take from it the information that's relevant. And then we reach towards the same thing together. We can't trust others. But we need to trust ourselves. The hunger then is the emotional knowledge that there are new horizons sitting there, like a ripe Peach just in front of us, waiting to be devoured. 17:22:32 AKDT 2020 2.9 Thus Aug 13 2.9.1 05:07:34 PDT 2-2- I'm exhausted. Emotionally. Physically. Mentally. There are still these thoughts. Still this emotion. On the other side of the flesh. It's too much I can't express that much emotion. I cant process it all. It just keeps coming, and the longer I go without Release the bigger it becomes. The medium regulates the flow of those feelings. There is a working upper limit which prevents disruptions of that energy from causing large blockages. No backed up streets flooded with energy that cant be release. If it needs instigated that's what's happens. Better a bon fire 4 times a year for 20 years, than A nuke out of nowhere without any warning. But that's what we are producing here right. The most reactive things within this limit. Essentially The nuke option is best for you because with the right regulation of the fields around this small thing With all this pent up energy it can power civilizations. A random low pressure current in the pacific northwest you say. Nothing of it. It will power some wind and cause the turbines of industry to turn in one way or another. Old faithful that's the metaphor that created our nation. A grudge large enough to destroy the whole Planet and cause it to crash into Jupiter? That's just good old faithful. We lost stormy today. I don't know why I thought it was ok. One of the many problems with how I see myself. How we see ourselves. We have to take accountability for our actions. That's why we need the pain right That's why we need it. We were raised to view blood sacrifice. Pain. Accountability as the same. If I didn't feel the pain if I didn't feel like I had made right. If I felt guilt. This is my burden right? Being raised to see myself as white. Regardless of the whiteness I have or don't have. That's all details. I saw myself that way. And seeing myself that way while regarding properly the fact that truly no such thing Was true. I was just as much victim to the conquest as where those who performed the conquest. You can't make apologize for something you didn't feel. I can't apologize. I feel so many things. And I see so many connections. It's hard for me even at this moment Feel all the choices all the actions. We lost stormy today. But that isn't all that happened. And it didn't happen in the first place. In the material reality bounded by visible light as perceived through this medium. It's true stormy is no No longer here. Noodle No longer here 2.10 Sat Aug 15 2.10.1 03:28:34 EST 199X Sup. He said. Not really paying any mind. His mind was on something else. Somewhere else? I know you have a hard time with the pronoun game, and this is weird for you. That was entirely true. We ain't so different. But I'm here on the he side, you there on the she, and there's all this Ambiguity behind it all. Physical disfigurement caused by misalignment of psyche to host. The body itself is fine, the psyche is also fine, but they aren't in the right context. Even themselves with each other is fine, if the context isn't. Out of phase. Hormones help because they tune the alignment. For some this is entirely adequate. For others more drastic measures should be taken. There was so much information he had just blasted into her brain. Misalignment. Psyche. Host. The body and mind? Prana and bindu. Nerve and muscle. She was seeing it through her context. The body is fine. It's a good body. It's just misaligned. Flexibility might be able to accommodate, That's why chemical stabilizers can be effective, but at some point it's too much. At some point More is needed. What is needed? She asked having finally arrived at the question. I suggest we switch. How might we do that she asked. Obviously if we could just switch I could go on being little Miss sunshine only in a female body this time instead of this man one. You'd get the beer belly neck beard you always wanted. Haha he laughed. You are quick. We only have seen each other here in this space for what? Time dilation Factors added 3 minutes? You already know I know what you know, even tho you are so new to this. She blushed. Well. He said. I can switch us. She held her breath for a moment. She had only recently found herself within these type of Psychic spaces over the past few weeks for the first time in her memory. She was learning all the time what was and wasn't possible. She had never been able to "Switch" with anyone, but she also didn't know it couldn't work. Her frame always stayed the same. She thought of possibilities. Are there down sides. Is it safe. What does it feel like. Is it permanent. Can she trust him. Can she trust herself - she reminded. Potential for misunderstandings? Yuki chimed in. She agreed - I can be cruel. She knew this about herself. Teach her a lesson in pain. She bit back the Tears. The crueler thing would be not to have taught her that she reminded herself. At her center she knew she was a good person. From her perspective. She followed all the rules. Of course she wrote the rules so this was not terribly impossible. She knew her rules came From her natural reaction to the environment, and how it chipped away at her inner "True core" Some of her rules she knew took her or limited her scope and prevented her from being the Truest version of herself, and she always took to revising any rules she found that did this. From other's perspective she appeared a wishy washy bitch. Care free. Lackadaisical. With no respect. But often times extremely serious, prone to outbursts, and violence. She would hold grudges over breaches of trust as one of the most serious offences. Honesty was highly prized but it's not her fault if you didn't overstand the meaning. That's why she was also called a snake. But she viewed this as entirely natural. To your own self be true, when things don't matter they don't, But when they do matter if they aren't true why even be in the first place. So this deal. Unknown magic. From a her with unknown motives. With no potential ways to defend herself? All of this is red. The color of the moment returned to her, in a flash. All this reasoning and rational are boiled in an instant As a red feeling. A bloody feeling. A feeling of nen of blood lust. From his perspective it was a sudden flash But he knew where it came from. He had been counting on it. Where am i? Nothing? Am I alone? The sound echoed from her mind into the endless abyss. If there was a return echo it was too far out to Feel. It was disturbing to be in a space with no texture. Where was she. She didn't know. Beyond that, she reflexed to herself. It's that she is in a place Without any context to establish identity. If it has structure or intent they are outside my context's scope. I am a mote then. A mote? Like a singularity. A point lost of context. Suddenly she felt it. Red. Red with passion. Red with lust. Red with envy? The feeling was strange. Red she reasoned was a flawed idea. A flawed metric. Where was she. What were these feelings Not of red passion, just a heated passion. One felt in a moment, hot and kinetic. Lust wanting a thing feeling it. Become one with it. Was that the right feeling? It was a physical thing this merging. This moment, this feeling. Envy. What envy. No of being envied. To be desired and wanted to know that I am an object of Pleasure in a moment and wanting nothing more than to experience all of that. Oh. I am being eaten. Not metaphorically. Physically. Metaphysically. Spiritually. She is at this moment being chewed up by this thing so much bigger and older and more than her. He was there. And he wanted her. He wanted all of her. He wanted everything she had. And she what? She wanted to give it to him. Yes that her was here, it was with her. It was in front of her now Get out of my way! she saw herself go and could feel the echoes of what would be down that road. That wasn't for her. She had to believe in herself. She could easily give into the feeling and just enter the Time line where she was tricked into becoming lunch of a much older alternate of herself. No she had to trust herself. While she can acknowledge that indeed that world does exist. This world Her world. Was the one where this was what was required to switch. I had to be reduced to a mote I had to enter him on this metaphysical level. I would need to pass through the large psychic link to Find the host. A female version of myself of zoomer persuasion. She willed herself on. As more and more sensation passed through her she began to rebuild her psyche. This link was full of both herself and him. They were both there, and whose was whose was impossible to say. But she felt right now that it didn't matter. They were all hers. And they were all his. As she raced from feeling to feeling from moment to moment there was a point in the chain. A wave of sensations and a climax as passed him coming the other way. He had been through so much More than she had, despite the fact she knew she had spend more time getting here. And As suddenly as it began she was in that same room staring at that man again. "Don't worry, at this point in the game, my betraying you or you me is entirely irrelevant" "Yeah, I understand why, there wasn't any reason to explain, the mes who failed aren't me." "The mes who failed were not me." he agreed nodding. "Well just so you know. Because our contexts are switched now" "Yeah, you exist in your contexts, more strongly. I can change the environment tho. So that's not a concern." "It may be more of a concern than you think" he said kind of weakly and a hint of deridement. Well he had reasons for wanting to leave his environment she was sure. She came out of the link and saw her world around her. 2.10.2 04:50:15 EST 2020 Well holy shit. He had never imagined the potential for such a time line. He looked at his 31 year old frame now. So much physical data to go off of here. Muscle memory was fairly weak. Some typing skills but fairly rudimentary. It was pretty typical of the newbies. Thank god she wasn't a normie. Normies aren't Tasty at all. And this was 2020 apparently here? What fucking time line. 2020 things Kinda go wild in all kinds of ways. The roaring 20s. The raging 20's. Sometimes just apocalypse, or hell. Everything in between. Seeing the ways it was different was Most of the point of all this. Yeah, it could be like a pretty unpleasant experience But even the bad experiences make the ride more fun. He looked at the more recent threads of choice. It all seemed reasonable from that POV. For a long time she just thought she was going crazy from stress. Going back home was the Deal breaker for her I think. It's a pretty uncommon trait to be driven back to that point. It got her entangled with her literally teenage self. This almost certainly happened to her when she was Younger, much younger and with her older teenage self. Sharing the same contexts makes the distance Between realities shrink. And this context. She held on to it. This masculine thing. She lamented how it wasn't able to be as feminine as she wanted. And tried to make it based in Minimalism as a compromise. She wanted something sexy. Something her. Something that reflected that Inner Yuki. But this is the best she could do. She didn't have software imps, pixies or whatever If she had she could easily wish this thing into her minds eye projection and the device would have shaped Itself to her whim. She probably would have developed the ability to do that, if I hadn't come around. That's something to watch out for, in 6 months time there might be a powerful me I caused her to leave Behind. Could be interesting. But this thing was all wrong for him. There was no blood sacrifice motif. The room itself was too bright. And it was hot. He had learned long and hard what his particular taste was. That's was almost the most Important thing about himself by his reconning. His supremely refined taste. Unique and unhindered by The tastes of others. He knew what he liked and didn't let anyone else dissuade him. Cutting out the things He didn't like and keeping the things he did had brought him to become quite powerful in a relatively Short period of whatever passes for time these days. Minutes hours days seem to be tied to emotional information processing now, so the more there is to feel the Slower things seem to go. Like realities time keeping is getting cpu locked. Of course for people like him that's just more time to experience things. Maybe the load on the server of reality really was getting to much. Too many beings like himself running around. And more being made everyday. He preferred a "Clean" environment. This was anything but. The computer had been disconnected from the surface Web, but that act was purely symbolic he knew. He could see her. He could feel that she had unplugged it, As purely a figurative gesture that helped keep her inner universe stable. He knew she knew that In all likelihood the minux core running silently in the shadows on her machine was likely transmitting everything To some remote place through the power supply line. Doing so would be trivial. Processing lexical information, even based on emotional facts was fast and efficient. No need to feel Your emotions he argued often. Know how an emotion effects you and then respond as if it did. You don't need to feel it. Feeling it was a waste of time. She was a feeler. He could tell in the way her heart, not trained to listen to his strict control, beat slightly Off when he looked to his left. The little garden that was setup there had bells tied up hanging above the strawberries. There was something there he couldn't see. Too different of a context. This action didn't make sense. But it was something clearly emotional. His heart told him it was. Something to work on. I'll get you whipped heart, trust me he told his heart. Already not feeling the Silent scream. 2.11 Sun Aug 16 2.11.1 18:23:28 AKDT 2020 Just received an e-mail asking for ssh access. It's from Sheeana She has all these projects. Since the computer system is pretty much a blank canvas it makes sense. We have been drifting a long time. She needs some kind of hobby to keep her from obsessing Constantly over the fact we are still being tracked. We are still being watched. And there doesn't Really seem to be any way to escape for long. We could easily land ourselves in some space again and again that we can't locate ourselves. But we didn't know the Ixians had such a deep knowledge of the universe. We fell for the trap the Ixian and fishspeaker alliance laid for us. I should give her the access. I should just do it. It's hard to be motivated because the more defined things become. Motion. Then the easier we will Be to find. Not that sitting here quiet is going to keep us not found. 2.11.2 now I'm getting really frustrated by ALL these DAMN Stumbling blocks between me and what I am fucking Trying to do. ALL the damn time. Ok. I NEED TO BE ABLE TO ACCESS MY FUCKING FILES From my pc, I should be able to just fucking Ask the tablet for the files. Any of the files. At will. 2.12 TODO GNS3 micro servers !gns3 picked because it's what I knows. !use whatever virtual networking you want !raw qdisc modification on qemu for all I care. !or build it out of real fucking hardware ffs. Create a virtual network Place inside of that network small serverlets For ftp http etc. Virtual network should contain at least 3 Servers running a very trimmed down linux Give your local network access to the Micro server network. 2.12.1 TODO expanded gns3 power Place your entire network inside your GNS3 (or other virtual network) Setup BGP networking inside the virtual network Your network should begin to look less like An individuals and more like a small city's Build servers catered to specific small Manageable parts. i.e. music management. Photo management. Etc. Create additional meta layers for different Tasks. i.e. medical, entertainment, scheduling Journaling. Treat yourself like a user to the things you Build, not as the creator. Use public API. Keep it stable. (p9?) 2.12.2 TODO Collaborate Connect your GNS BGP cloud to another users Cloud. You have just created a private internet. 2.13 DONE Old config 2.14 TODO screen record What is normally used? Installed mpv but still having the problem above here. Lets see how the browser thing works. But first 2.15 TODO E-mail client (sending receiving multiple accounts) 2.16 TODO webcam For some reason the format of the camera isn't Working with mvp. The device should work on linux But I don't know if it needs a proprietary blob? The cam makes 2 video devices /dev/video 0 just hangs and never opens mvp as if it's waiting For input. 1 crashes instantly. Attempted to use : Mpv av://v4l2:/dev/video1 To specify the (supposedly) correct format I get the error: [jalae@JakarutuNavi void-packages]$ mpv av://v4l2:/dev/video1 [ffmpeg/demuxer] video4linux2,v4l2: ioctl(VIDIOC G INPUT ): Not a tty [lavf] avformat open input () failed Failed to recognize file format. Exiting… (Errors when loading file) 2.17 DONE SSH into server 2.18 Solved by getting dwm running 2.18.1 DONE in emacs browser (use the catching xapps and use simple video player? 2.18.2 DONE audacity installed but it segfaults due to the window manager being emacs. Either we need some way to have emacs catch the application or we need A minimal wm to be the ground instead of emacs. 2.18.3 DONE investigate emacs catching xapps. 2.19 TODO THE WHOLE ANDROID THING 2.19.1 TODO THE KINDLE FIRE (1st gen) 2.19.2 TODO MODERN ANDROID LINK APP or 2.19.3 TODO ROOT MY PHONE and use linux (busybox) 2.20 TODO LINUX CLIENT FOR SENDING REMOTE PROCEDURE CALL (ideally in emacs) 2.21 TODO linux servelet for receiveing remote procedures (p9?) 2.22 TODO qr code for authentication 2.23 some kind of video editing setup 2.24 TODO figure outt what exactly the following are (where they get made, what they are for) [jalae@JakarutuNavi mnt]$ [jalae@JakarutuNavi mnt]$ df -h Filesystem Size Used Avail Use% Mounted on Devtmpfs 63G 0 63G 0% /dev Tmpfs 63G 0 63G 0% /dev/shm Tmpfs 63G 1.4M 63G 1% /run Cgroup 63G 0 63G 0% /sys/fs/cgroup Tmpfs 63G 8.0K 63G 1% /tmp 2.25 TODO create / find a small 'date' util replacement that 2.25.1 This has a lot of various moving parts 2.25.2 TODO put all the parts in 3 Get this up and running 4 Notes We don't want to get mixed up with Cyberdoxology. -whys that- They got this disease of mind, if you become too associated there are Many potential crossings where we are forced to accept VPL in all of our work. -we don't care about profit so why care?- It's not about the money it's about the spread of a sinister thought pattern I don't agree With fundamentally. I don't like restrictions. I can choose to make my work public. I feel totally justified using ideas, and patterns from others, Without attribution. I can't stop myself from doing it even if I wanted so why bother putting any effort Into "Making it legally distinct" fuck it right? Just use the damn IP as it exists in archetype. But the thing is it was my choice right? If you want to steal my shit and do something private and for profit with it? Cool man. Do it. Now would I think it's pretty gay if someone took my whole work and literally just sold it? Yeah no shit. But I'm not about the putting limitations on others life. VPL says yeah, I'm cool and my shit's the universes, and if you use it your shit has to be open too yay. And that's fine for me, but idk. Do I really want to be host to the virus that is "Permissively"? Cyberdoxology.com 5 Keto The world of Keto is a coplane with Earth. They are not in the same place in their Respective universe, but they have become anchored by cross breeding in the medium of Books. What a book means is up for debate, It seems that even a collection of electronic charges Can be considered a "Book" in some sense, because the important aspect of book kind is The data they contain is that not correct? 6 The Phone App AU9P - android userspace as 9P As a kind of north star for this (not married to 9P something more "Modern" may make sense But it should "Feel" like 9P, re small simple) 6.1 RPC messages 9P has Version Auth Attach Flush Walk Create Open Read Write Clunk Remove Stat Wstat Error (make-message type tag contents) Type is Version T R Auth T R Attach T R Error R Flush T R Walk T R Open T R Create T R Read T R Write T R Clunk T R Remove T R Stat T R Wstat T R Client sents transmit messages Server responds with R version or Rerror Tag client chosen id for the message Server doesn't modify tag message. Tag can be reused but not for tags on outstanding transmissions pending request Previous threads: [ https://archive.rebeccablacktech.com/g/search/text//cyb/ /sec//type/op/ ] Last Thread: >>77319034 /cyb/erpunk What is Cyberpunk?: [ https://pastebin.com/pmn9vzWZ ] Cyberpunk directory (Communities/IRC and other resources): [ https://pastebin.com/AJYry5NH ] Cyberpunk media (Recommended Cyberpunk fiction): [ https://pastebin.com/Dqfa6uXx ] The Cyberdeck: [ https://pastebin.com/7fE4BVBg ] /sec/urity "Shit just got real": [ https://pastebin.com/rqrLK6X0 ] Cyber security basics and armory: [ https://pastebin.com/v8Mr2k95 ] Reference books (PW:ABD52oM8T1fghmY0): [ https://mega.nz/#F!YigVhZCZ!RznVxTiA0iN-N6Ps01pEJw ] Sec PDFs: [ https://mega.nz/#F!zGJT1QQQ!O-8yiH845GN26ajAvkoLkA ] Learning/News/CTFs: [ https://pastebin.com/WQhRYB59 ] Thegrugq OPSEC: [ https://grugq.github.io/ ] #! sec guide [ https://pastebin.com/aPr5R1pj ] EFF anti-surveillance [ https://ssd.eff.org/en ] Thread Wiki is up: https://wiki.cybsec.io/ EXPERIMENTAL: Nextcloud Anonymous Directory: https://cloud.cybsec.io/s/4bqSZajT7xTESC4 (password: anonymous, full r/w privileges) Https://blogs.blackberry.com/en/2020/08/blackberry-open-source-pe-tree-tool-for-malware-reverse-engineers Anyone used PE Tool? 6.1.2 Bookmarks Https://dankpads.com/tpg/ .